How to say thank you...

Things have been rough for my queen and I lately, so much so that it has caused me to lose faith in myself and humanity in general. Life seems to be more expensive than either of us can afford sometimes, our physical health has been one catastrophe after another, and though I can't speak for my queen I feel like we as a couple or individuals could use ONE win every once in a while. It's because of this that my mental and emotional state has been from questionable to technically unstable. I have felt that when the lights go out and everyone is asleep I begin to feel so alone as despair sets in and I start to question my existence and purpose on this planet.

So it turns out that my medical problems are attributed to unexplained anemia, which is quite rare for a 30-year-old man that hasn't had a period in years! My queen on the other hand has learned her medical problems are due to gallstones. A month and a half ago, my queen started demonstrating debilitating painful symptoms of gallstones as the timing belt snapped on her car. Since we lack the thousand dollars to fix it, I am doing it myself. The problem is that I have fat fingers working on a 15 year old minivan with rusted out bolts and minimum mechanical experience. My queen had surgery on Friday and is still experiencing side-effects from the anaesthesia and the ball-bearings went out on my truck yesterday making a twenty minute drive from work an hour-and-a-half (at 15 MPH)and our only mode of transportation inoperable!

So with the prospects of our only form of transportation, Rosie's mom, leaving today I stayed up all night trying to get Rosie's car working but that nasty crankshaft pulley bolt just wouldn't budge, and it still won't. After three hours of trying I sat on the front step, smoked a cigarette, and cried for a while wondering how I/we were ever going to make it and whether it was even worth it to try! So at the risk of my self-destructive tendencies taking over with a vengeance, I took one my legally prescribed anti-anxiety drugs and got some sleep. So this morning I awoke and drove my queen's mom's car to the hardware store and rigged up a device to finally defy that nasty crankshaft bolt, but then I went back to bed for an unnecessary 6-hour depression/hopelessness nap. As I awoke, feeling even worse about myself than before, a member of our church was arriving with another hot meal for my queen and I along with a little gift from an anonymous source!

Now I can't disclose the nature of the gift, but I also can't tell you how much it will help and how it is helped already! The worst part about depression, especially the hopelessness aspect, is the nightmare of feeling like you're all alone in the world with no prospect of effecting your future. To our friends and family members, and I mean family members very liberally, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your warm thoughts, hard efforts, delicious meals (I definitely want some recipes), and most importantly your love and compassion!

Now it wouldn't be the aspiring therapist in me if I didn't remind those struggling with depression and hopelessness, as I need to remind myself, that you can't always wait for goodness to find you to get yourself out of your funk; sometimes you've got to get yourself out. Be mindful, though, of how you feel when someone extends their hand to you, so that when the opportunity presents itself that you might be able to extend your hand to somebody is in the same position that you currently or previously reside. You just don't know how a little generosity, or in our case a lot of generosity, can make somebody's day. In my case it saved somebody's life!

My thanks and best wishes,
Andy