Mrs. Gosselin, your children called and they need you at home…

Before drifting away to sleep last night I happened across Entertainment Tonight. ET was keeping up with their 24-7 Dancing with the Stars coverage as they featured their behind the scenes correspondent Kate Gosselin of TLC's Jon and Kate plus Eight fame. Watching Mrs. Gosselin made me start to think about which one of them, Jon or Kate, was more responsible for the downfall of TLC's little cash cow. Now I'll admit that I've never seen the show, but I don't think it takes a half hour of coverage to see the true piece of dysfunctional garbage that is Jon Gosselin. What I found so disturbing the other night is that with The Gosselin's entrance into the public spectrum serving as the catalyst that destroyed their family and potentially ruined the lives of her eight beloved children, she (Kate Gosselin) still can't tear herself away from that damn idiot box and focus her attention on the only eight young lives that truly depend on her. So maybe the only real difference between the two proud owners of the "plus eight" is that one just has a much better publicist than the other!

I've previously equated parents that push their young children into the spotlight as pimps with more talent to work with and better resources, but I hold those parents in sainthood over those parents that use their children as stepping stones, decorations, or mere pawns in order to fulfill their dreams of happiness. I'm thinking of men that are passive aggressive little cowards that like to have children because it requires the least amount of effort to have people to look up to them and respect them without question; all the while blowing more air into their overinflated egos. These are the type of people that will leave their children in a heartbeat for greener pastures, but will cling to visitation, control, and more importantly their title as if they were still sleeping every waking night five steps down the hall.

The problem here is that more and more people are living along these days, but the population growth isn't slowing down. That means this population increase is leading to the creation of more and more single parent households. The problem is that a person's word just doesn't mean anything, inasmuch as a commitment to starting a family, either through a conscious effort with family planning or through unprotected sex with unintended consequences, many times lasts just as long as the act of creation. So why are we as a society so inclined to bite off more than we can chew almost as if it were fashionable? Our economy is in such turmoil right now because millions upon millions of people took out $400,000 and $500,000 mortgages when they made less than $100,000 a year which would be the sexual equivalent of having a weekend of unprotected sex while popping fertility drugs like skittles! This makes me think of a friend in college who had the money to pay rent but decided to spend it on beer money and a new TV. When his landlord kicked him out, my friend was absolutely livid and claimed the landlord didn't even need the money because he saw him driving a BMW!

When my queen and I started dating, my best friend asked me if I was ready to be a daddy, since my queen had a daughter. I remember smirking and responding that these days a daddy pays child support and only sees their kids during visitations so then were the daddies out there ready to be like me? When the princess is in the house, I can't help but make her the constant center of attention and she isn't even my daughter! I just don't understand how so many people can think so little of the greatest gift and the greatest joy they will ever know. Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to be, not sure if she still is, a radio talk show host and her whole mantra was, "I am my kid's mom." Her whole belief, and she would council callers to such, is that no matter what happens a parent should always put their kids first; no matter how troubled a marriage you find a way to make it work at least until they're 18. Eventually she was written off as some right-wing religious zealot, because Schlessinger is clearly a Christian name, but I think her message is solid. Our children are our most precious resource and they should be treated as such. So today, if only for today, why don't you ask your kids what they would like to do today and see what you can't do to make that happen. Maybe you could watch or even be on TV just 10 minutes less and use that time to play dolls, shoot hoops, or read a book together. If you're still confused then just stop what you're doing and follow your kids around for a while and you evolutionary instincts should kick in eventually. And finally, Kate Gosselin, leave the TV cameras in Hollywood and go home to your kids!

Update.......

I think I'm being foolish and looking for something to be hurt about. Overdramatic; that's me! I love my family very much and I know I'm an integral part.

Love,
Andy

Oh, to be part of the family…..

Family is very, very important in my life and a major aspect in my dreams. I've mentioned how it was the idea of having a family of my own got me through some very rough times in my childhood. Now, with my life greatly improved, I'm a part of the family that I'd always dreamed; or so I think. Before my "queen" and I started dating, I had very little experience with children. I've babysat more than a few times, but I always got to go home when the job was finished and the idea of a 24-hour babysitting job, or to be a parent/ step-parent, is a lot of responsibility, uncertainty, and something that I take very seriously. I consider being a member of this family to be THE greatest honor of my life and I work very hard for my family. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do. In every spare moment, I'm cleaning house, watching my "princess," driving my lovely ladies where they need to go, helping with homework, refilling the humidifier,or the daily breakfast and snack preparations. My "queen's" ex-husband already has a family of his own including a girlfriend who has a son. My "princess" has a group of wonderful people who love her very much, but for some reason, I feel like I'm the odd one out.

It's becoming clear that my little, beautiful "princess" might not see me as a part of her family. In a past few months, and twice in the last two days, she's talked about her family and would list them by name. There was, of course, mommy, daddy, and then daddy's girlfriend, her son, but not me. I understand her being weary of somebody replacing her father, but I've told her a number of times that nobody would ever replace her dad and that I went through this exact thing when I was a kid and were always going to be good friends, first and foremost. If the fear of replacing parents is the reason that I'm out, then why is daddy's girlfriend in the mix?

It was already a challenge in learning the nuances of being a parent/ step-parent and the doubt that I have in my abilities is only exacerbated by the notion that the youngster doesn't see me as such.

My girlfriend has custody so raising her is pretty much our show. Raising a child, especially one so gifted, is an exceptional challenge and will continue to be so probably through graduate school. I'm completely prepared to be "second fiddle" for the rest of this young woman's life and when she succeeds, the credit will rightfully go to her mother and father. I don't need to be player of the game when I think I'm one of the hardest workers out there, but I struggle when I don't feel recognized as even being on the field, especially when I don't think I'm good enough to be on it to begin with. Seven year olds are free to think however they want, love who they want, and decide which people she considers family. I don't want this to sound like I'm mad or even hurt. I'm a bit shocked and confused when I think about it and the thoughts like, "see, you aren't doing enough for your family!" starts creeping into my head.

One final note: I kind of quit smoking a long time ago by reducing to 3 to 6 smokes a day. On some days, it might be a half a drag for the whole day and other, more stressful days, might be the full six. So, because I'm a family man now, I decided it was time to quit and I went on the gum. It turns out that one of the chemicals in the gum was burning a hole in my gum that is now a canker sore that won't go away. With the gum thrown away, I wanted to go back to smoking, but I won't let myself because I'm a member of a family and good family folks don't participate in risky behavior. I just can't conceive of what else I have to do to be accepted by everyone. And that makes me want a cigarette! Argh…….

Bottom line is that I'll be okay. I just have to keep my head on straight and do the work that needs done. Because they're worth it!!!

Father of Mine.....

When I was five years old, I was awakened one night to hear my mother crying hysterically. After the initial shock of what had woke me, I started paying attention to the words my mother was screaming. “Please don’t leave us! Please don’t leave us! Don’t do this, please!” I didn’t know what it was about but the next day I could tell that things were different. Around 4:30 the next afternoon, I grabbed my baby blanket (yes, I still carried it everywhere at 5 years of age), and took my usual position on the bench in the kitchen where my mother was preparing dinner and we would wait together for my father to come home. Dinner came and went and he never showed up. The next afternoon, I waited in the usual place with the same result. This continued for weeks and weeks. Mom and I would wait and he would never come home until one day, the bench was gone. It turns out the two things he wanted in the divorce was the telephone and that bench, but I doubt he would have wanted it if he knew its real significance.

My mother was the daughter of an impossible, hateful woman that made it her goal in life to make her husband and daughters more miserable than she was, which was quite a task since she was quite possibly the most miserable person on the face of this large planet. Two things to mention about my mother and my two aunts; they grew up dirt poor and that bombardment of bitterness and hatred that they endured as children would haunt them every day for the rest of their lives. When my father left, my mother had accumulated 1 semester of college credit, no savings, no income, and no self confidence to speak of. Because of these circumstances and her desire for me to have the family that she never did, we moved around a lot. My mother remarried three more times after my father and each of them offered me a different hard lesson of how NOT to be a man. There was the “drunken Irishman,” who coincidently didn’t drink, wasn’t Irish, but was an abusive son of a bitch. There was the “difficult one,” who didn’t need to hit because he was 6 foot 4, three hundred some pounds who ruled over a woman and a child that were victims of physical abuse. After the “difficult one” was the “crazy one,” but we’re not going to talk about that one because he might be internet savvy enough to find my blog so let’s not burn our bridges just yet!

In all of these different living experiences and during the times when my mother and I lived alone, all I could think of was the family that I was going to have someday. On the nights that “drunken Irishman” was at his worst, I would hide under my bed, pray for deliverance, and ease myself to sleep with the thoughts of how I was going to be as a father. As my mother would cry at night trying to figure out where the rent was going to come from, I would think about how my family would never have to endure this pain. As my mother and I were trying to make the decision of whether to move to Arkansas with “the difficult one” or stay at home with our social network and “watch our spending” I would think about how my family would never be in this position. And when I found “the crazy one” passed out on the floor in a drug induced coma…… well, that just goes without saying. As mistake after mistake began accumulating in my young adult life, the thing that was so hard was coming to grips with the notion that maybe a family just wasn’t for me. I was getting to nearly 500 pounds and my unsuccessful battles with emotional disorders led me to believe that the world would be better off if I didn’t reproduce and then that made the “bottom of the barrel,” so to speak, even harder to take.

Today, I am much lighter, much healthier, and in the situation of my dreams. “My queen” is the love of my life and she has a daughter, “my princess” that is an absolute joy. The problem is that she is seven and “my queen” and I have been dating for seven months now so you do the math. Because of previous bad influences of both of our lives, I don’t think I’ll ever have the official title of step-father, but even now I know I’m part of the team and that’s a monumental responsibility. I don’t know anything about kids. Pathetic as it may be, but I only learned how to properly take care of MYSELF a year ago and here I am, an active participant in the task of molding this young woman’s life and all I can think about is all of these bad examples of how not to behave and that I have no examples of how to act. I love being a part of a family, but I do have to admit that the idea of this being a full-time job adds a lot of pressure and some days I just don’t feel strong enough to handle it.

I’m sure that all fathers go through that, but I don’t know if I qualify because I’m not a father. She already has one of those. So, where do I fit in? What is my responsibility? In my life, I’ve yet to see a man that was an adequate husband, boyfriend, or father. So, the question is:

HOW CAN I BE A MAN THAT I DON’T REALLY KNOW EXISTS?

How many bad apples do you see in a batch before you just assume that maybe they’re all bad apples and look for something else? One lesson that I’ve learned the hard way is to have realistic expectations for yourself. With that said, defining the bottom parameter just isn’t good enough. As history looks back on this situation, the credit or blame for the future of “my princess” will be given to her mother and her father and I will surely be overlooked, but that doesn’t make me any less responsible. I think what worries me is that I share the responsibility without the natural, instinctive motivation to help my offspring thrive and survive. Granted, there are parents all over the world that have that instinct and end up teaching by bad example.

One final aspect is that my girlfriend, “my queen” is a breast cancer survivor. Though that gives her an incredible perspective on life and the world we live in and an optimism that is restoring my faith and love in humanity, as somebody put It recently, “she has had chemotherapy and is unsure that she can ever again become pregnant.” It’s clear to me, without a doubt, that having not only a partner, but this partner is the best way to compliment my life. My girlfriend and my lover is also my best friend and closest companion. She and “my princess” are the two special keys to doors I never thought would be opened and I had started to pile storage and refuse in front of them. What I am afraid of is that my never having a child of my own will have an adverse affect on the upbringing of this bright little light in my life. I just want to be the best figure that I can be in this young woman’s life no matter what it takes.

On a positive note, if I’m worried this much about it, I must be doing a pretty good job!!!

“Now I’m a grown man, with a child of my own….. I swear I’m not gonna let him know, all the pain I have known….” Everclear