So, in the past week, we’ve witnessed the passing and burial of Massachusetts senator Edward Moore “Teddy” Kennedy and now New England Patriot middle linebacker Tedy Bruschi will announce, at noon today, his retirement from the NFL.
And while people in New England are walking just a step slower from mild depression, the rest of the country including Colts fans and the supporters of the other 30 teams in the NFL celebrate over their tears. I never thought that the way to make pompous elitists cry, and I’m speaking Patriot fans here, was to take away their Tedy!!!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A Little Late to the Party
It's a little late, but I've reached a fairly major milestone in my life! Now, I'll admit that it's a milestone that should have been attained nearly 18 years ago, but it feels good to be part of the club. Tonight, for the first time in my entire life, I flossed my teeth,without even being told. No kidding; tonight, I actually flossed, brushed, and mouthwashed and my mouth feels absolutely fantastic!
Now that I've revealed this completely embarrassing little truth, I should get to why this is so important before you walk away in disgust. One of the major problems with depression is lack of motivation and I think my depression is one of the contributing factors to why I never grasped that fundamental concept as I grew older. I was always cutting corners as a teenager. I worked harder at avoiding work than actually doing the job I was tasked. I, as well as my immediate family, would and did call that lazy. The fact of that matter is, I grew up without any desire to improve myself. None! Work always led to rewards that just didn't call to me; satisfaction, a feeling of accomplishment, pride. Nothing.
There is this anti-drug commercial where this pet is talking to it's teenage owner about how he wishes the kid would quit smoking dope. When you see the teenager, he's this pancake thin figure that appears to be molded to the couch. That commercial feels so very familiar because I spent years and years feeling that way, and I just assumed it was normal.
On a biophysical level, depression will slow or halt the transmission of electrons through the neuropathways in the brain so the longer you live in a depressed state, the less your brain in able to perform.
As this fog of depression is lifting, my mind and my emotions are finally waking up. I'm understanding concepts that I failed to grasp and I'm actually experiencing real emotions like fear, anxiety, happiness,and joy! Life is actually worth living. It is such an incredible experience to slowly wake from this two decade slumber and to begin making a difference in my life. I'm now motivated to achieve amazing things for the personal satisfaction and the help I could be to others instead of wanting to be at the top so my worthless live could be easier to manage.
It should be mentioned that even though I discuss the issues, mistakes, and misdeeds that I've had or made while trapped inside this depressive fog, I make no attempt to excuse or justify my behavior. Though the decisions I've made in my life might not have been made in a suitable environment, the poor choices that I've made are my responsibility and mine alone.....
That said, I contently set and watch as this day draws to a close with excitement and anticipation of the uncertainty that lies just beyond the horizon. Now that the sun has finally come into focus from behind the clouds, I'm fairly certain that I've got at least a "punchers chance" at making a difference and that means everything to me! Flossing felt so great that I think I'll do it again tomorrow!!!
Now that I've revealed this completely embarrassing little truth, I should get to why this is so important before you walk away in disgust. One of the major problems with depression is lack of motivation and I think my depression is one of the contributing factors to why I never grasped that fundamental concept as I grew older. I was always cutting corners as a teenager. I worked harder at avoiding work than actually doing the job I was tasked. I, as well as my immediate family, would and did call that lazy. The fact of that matter is, I grew up without any desire to improve myself. None! Work always led to rewards that just didn't call to me; satisfaction, a feeling of accomplishment, pride. Nothing.
There is this anti-drug commercial where this pet is talking to it's teenage owner about how he wishes the kid would quit smoking dope. When you see the teenager, he's this pancake thin figure that appears to be molded to the couch. That commercial feels so very familiar because I spent years and years feeling that way, and I just assumed it was normal.
On a biophysical level, depression will slow or halt the transmission of electrons through the neuropathways in the brain so the longer you live in a depressed state, the less your brain in able to perform.
As this fog of depression is lifting, my mind and my emotions are finally waking up. I'm understanding concepts that I failed to grasp and I'm actually experiencing real emotions like fear, anxiety, happiness,and joy! Life is actually worth living. It is such an incredible experience to slowly wake from this two decade slumber and to begin making a difference in my life. I'm now motivated to achieve amazing things for the personal satisfaction and the help I could be to others instead of wanting to be at the top so my worthless live could be easier to manage.
It should be mentioned that even though I discuss the issues, mistakes, and misdeeds that I've had or made while trapped inside this depressive fog, I make no attempt to excuse or justify my behavior. Though the decisions I've made in my life might not have been made in a suitable environment, the poor choices that I've made are my responsibility and mine alone.....
That said, I contently set and watch as this day draws to a close with excitement and anticipation of the uncertainty that lies just beyond the horizon. Now that the sun has finally come into focus from behind the clouds, I'm fairly certain that I've got at least a "punchers chance" at making a difference and that means everything to me! Flossing felt so great that I think I'll do it again tomorrow!!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
"Do not take with alcohol....."
So, as you know from following my blog, I've been on antidepressants for almost 18 months now and on the label is clearly says, "do not take with alcohol." Every time that I have to go to the doctor for a refill she says, "now be sure not to take this with alcohol." So, what do I go out and do?....... That's right, I take it with alcohol.
Because of my lifetime body correction program, I don't drink that often, but I have noticed that being drunk just hasn't been the same. I feel so much more happy when I'm intoxicated. Now before I'm hauled off to Alcoholics Annonymous, let me explain. Now that I've made such strides in improving my life emotional and physically, I feel so much happier when I happen to be intoxicated now compared to when I was intoxicated before I got control of my life. I might have seemed fun before, but to be honest, I was just so damn angry! Now, all of the anger seems to be gone and when I drink, it's just happiness, for the most part, and I'm a lot less uninhibited than I was before. The hangovers have been worse though, but I figured it was from not drinking as much anymore.
As I've mentioned recently, I've just discovered an allergy to wheat; so no beer! So, I've had to switch to rum for occasions that call for mass consumption of alcohol. Saturday night was my first "no beer night" and I'm so ashamed at my behavior. I'm not going to go into details, because I don't remember most of them, but one moment I was fine and the next I was plowed beyond all recognition! I felt so incredible! I guess the alcohol intensifies the effects of the heavy amount of antidepressants I take and I felt on top of the world. Half way into the night, I was walking the streets wondering if I had taken ectascy, because emotionally, it's what I felt like.
Yes, to answer your question right now, I've taken ectasy! Back to the story....
I knew I was becoming a burden to my friends, so I got a cab back to my vehicle, climbed into the bed of the truck, and slept (quite uncomfortably). As great as I had felt the night before, I felt the polar opposite the next day. The hangover quickly ended, but emotionally I was in the toilet. I spent the next day and a half in this horrible, terrifying haze of depression, pain, and despair, and the worst part was that I absolutely knew better! I finally took something which killed the depression / anxiety, and managed 12 plus hours of sleep before I got back to my good 'ole self again.
So, it's with that story in mind that I officially hang up my Lambda Chi drinkin' shoes for good. I've got too many good things in my life now to start playing games with my sanity and emotional wellbeing. The thing is that I know that with my family history of depression, this isn't a temporary decision. That thought makes me somewhat sad because even with all the pain in my past, I have so many good memories with my brothers at Lambda Chi Alpha, and a lot of them have alcohol involved in some way or another.
Now, at this point, the former President of the chapter is jumping up and down in front of his computer screaming, "I told you so! I told you so!" because he and I used to argue in college because he was trying to change the "drunkerd" mentality of the house and I just couldn't understand why. Looking back, if only I had some sober memories with my brothers, then I might not feel that ending this tradition means I'm ending my place within the fraternity. Now any public service manager of any chapter would jump in and mention all of the good things that Lambda Chi does for the community and how important brotherhood is, and they're absolutely right. Fraternity does have an incredible amount of positive qualities and traditions beyond alcohol, but in college I was too busy with the bad traditions to commit some of the better traditions to heart.
The good news is that alcohol, cab fare, and 1:30am munchie food is expensive. My only problem now is I need to think of a new excuse to lay on the couch and watch football instead of working on the jobs on my "honey-do list." Now, I just need to be ready for when Hank Williams sings, " Andy, why do you drink?" so I can scream, "I don't!"
I'm reminded of that line in the movie Road Trip, "Josh.... this is college. The window of opportunity to drink, do drugs, and take advantage of unsuspecting young women is getting smaller by the day. In ten years, we're going to have to pay for these kind of girls!" And since I'm probably going to hell already, I'll tie that quote into the Sound of Music, "when the lord closes a door; he always opens a window...."
To be fair, it is my list and I'm the one giving myself a hard time for not getting this stuff done, but that is another issue for a different day!
Because of my lifetime body correction program, I don't drink that often, but I have noticed that being drunk just hasn't been the same. I feel so much more happy when I'm intoxicated. Now before I'm hauled off to Alcoholics Annonymous, let me explain. Now that I've made such strides in improving my life emotional and physically, I feel so much happier when I happen to be intoxicated now compared to when I was intoxicated before I got control of my life. I might have seemed fun before, but to be honest, I was just so damn angry! Now, all of the anger seems to be gone and when I drink, it's just happiness, for the most part, and I'm a lot less uninhibited than I was before. The hangovers have been worse though, but I figured it was from not drinking as much anymore.
As I've mentioned recently, I've just discovered an allergy to wheat; so no beer! So, I've had to switch to rum for occasions that call for mass consumption of alcohol. Saturday night was my first "no beer night" and I'm so ashamed at my behavior. I'm not going to go into details, because I don't remember most of them, but one moment I was fine and the next I was plowed beyond all recognition! I felt so incredible! I guess the alcohol intensifies the effects of the heavy amount of antidepressants I take and I felt on top of the world. Half way into the night, I was walking the streets wondering if I had taken ectascy, because emotionally, it's what I felt like.
Yes, to answer your question right now, I've taken ectasy! Back to the story....
I knew I was becoming a burden to my friends, so I got a cab back to my vehicle, climbed into the bed of the truck, and slept (quite uncomfortably). As great as I had felt the night before, I felt the polar opposite the next day. The hangover quickly ended, but emotionally I was in the toilet. I spent the next day and a half in this horrible, terrifying haze of depression, pain, and despair, and the worst part was that I absolutely knew better! I finally took something which killed the depression / anxiety, and managed 12 plus hours of sleep before I got back to my good 'ole self again.
So, it's with that story in mind that I officially hang up my Lambda Chi drinkin' shoes for good. I've got too many good things in my life now to start playing games with my sanity and emotional wellbeing. The thing is that I know that with my family history of depression, this isn't a temporary decision. That thought makes me somewhat sad because even with all the pain in my past, I have so many good memories with my brothers at Lambda Chi Alpha, and a lot of them have alcohol involved in some way or another.
Now, at this point, the former President of the chapter is jumping up and down in front of his computer screaming, "I told you so! I told you so!" because he and I used to argue in college because he was trying to change the "drunkerd" mentality of the house and I just couldn't understand why. Looking back, if only I had some sober memories with my brothers, then I might not feel that ending this tradition means I'm ending my place within the fraternity. Now any public service manager of any chapter would jump in and mention all of the good things that Lambda Chi does for the community and how important brotherhood is, and they're absolutely right. Fraternity does have an incredible amount of positive qualities and traditions beyond alcohol, but in college I was too busy with the bad traditions to commit some of the better traditions to heart.
The good news is that alcohol, cab fare, and 1:30am munchie food is expensive. My only problem now is I need to think of a new excuse to lay on the couch and watch football instead of working on the jobs on my "honey-do list." Now, I just need to be ready for when Hank Williams sings, " Andy, why do you drink?" so I can scream, "I don't!"
I'm reminded of that line in the movie Road Trip, "Josh.... this is college. The window of opportunity to drink, do drugs, and take advantage of unsuspecting young women is getting smaller by the day. In ten years, we're going to have to pay for these kind of girls!" And since I'm probably going to hell already, I'll tie that quote into the Sound of Music, "when the lord closes a door; he always opens a window...."
To be fair, it is my list and I'm the one giving myself a hard time for not getting this stuff done, but that is another issue for a different day!
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