Who’s down on “hot and heavy?”

Note: I posted ths after a week of about 3 and a half hours of sleep per night and even Ambien wasn't putting my anxiety. I thought about editing it now that I'm sleeping more soundly, but I just don't want to!

Lately, I haven't been feeling very desirable…..

I've been over 450 pounds since I was 21 years old, so I used to live vicariously through my friends relationships. I've always been the "mother goose," or the listener of the group, because I though I couldn't afford to lose any more friends, after my fraternity phase of couch pissings, so I've always been pretty good at keeping secrets. The one theme that I've heard time and time again is people start talking about how the relationship is in such a great place. They might even be thinking about moving in together or they have already. So I push for details like, "wow, you guys must be all over each other. Do ya just walk around naked and just go at it all day?" To my shock, time after time, no is always the answer. Then they go on to explain to me that when a relationship gets to a certain point, you just get too tired at the end of the day to have sex so instead of once or twice in a night, it might be once or twice a week. I would get so angry inside when friends would tell me that. I hadn't been touched in god knows how long and these perfectly fit and healthy young men with girlfriends just don't feel like it! I just didn't understand. I used to think that I was a better man because I knew I'd never be like that with any girlfriend of mine.

A relationship is hard work; especially when there is a child involved. I see that now. After a day's worth of class, working out, getting dinner on, evening family obligations, and an errand or two, I'm absolutely exhausted. Be that as it may, this feeling of desire just starts burning inside of me and it's a flame I don't know how, or would I want, to put out. It's like this volcanic optimism and satisfaction inside me that just exclaims, "even though this day was so rough, there isn't anybody I'd rather spend this day with and work so hard for." In my body, that satisfaction overwhelms me and it becomes too much to handle and passion becomes the outlet for release. I optimistically thought that this is what it meant to be in love, but I get the feeling that my perspective is a little different from the rest of the lovers out there.

I've been at least a little different my whole life so why would this topic be any different? This feels like some sort of spiral or cycle. When I feel undesirable, I become less desirable. Actually becoming less desirable will make me feel even less desirable, and so on down that winding road to where BIG mistakes are made. With my lifelong burden of sometimes crippling depression, I get very nervous when I even get the hint of a spiral coming on. The problem is that I'm so inexperienced in serious relationships, because I used to weigh as much as one couple, that I don't know the nuances of even having the opportunity to be intimate every night. I also think one aspect of intimacy is not only sharing the moment, but making memories that keep your partner attracted to you after the night rolls off into the sunrise. I, on the other hand, am loyal and dependable to an extent that some would say to a fault. So is there no need to keep me interested? Is there less need for intimacy when you know your partner will be back?

All I want is this spiral to be broken. This life changing work is so damn hard and I'm very, very fatigued. I don't know why, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength to push through this one and I have to do it alone. My girlfriend is so "gun shy" from her marriage and doesn't want a situation where her whole entire life depends of someone else's permission. I keep telling her that the only person that she should rely on is herself. Since she has a child, the only person she should trust is herself. Even if we were to get married, she needs a life in place so that if something changes, or the relationship goes South, that she and her daughter can safely walk out at any moment. So, with these parameters on our relationship, I can't use intimacy or our relationship as a crutch, but I just feel like it's the only thing I've got. I'm just so tired….

It seems that there is this level of comfort when you're in a serious relationship that supersedes sex, which makes sense. The expectation of every night is just unreasonable and really, who is in that kind of shape? It's just hard for somebody with such low self-esteem to go from "hot and heavy" to a more "normal" rotation without thinking that this is somehow my fault. So even with this in mind, how do I go about feeling more desirable and how do I sell this to the little, loud, annoying guy in the back of my head that's keeping me up at 12:45 at night? In the end, there is only one person responsible for this problem and how I'm currently feeling and that's me. I'm trying to correct the one million mistakes that I, and I alone made. I'm just so tired and I need more than sleep. At this point sleep would be a good start. I think a shower and an Ambien should do the trick!

Update.......

I think I'm being foolish and looking for something to be hurt about. Overdramatic; that's me! I love my family very much and I know I'm an integral part.

Love,
Andy

Oh, to be part of the family…..

Family is very, very important in my life and a major aspect in my dreams. I've mentioned how it was the idea of having a family of my own got me through some very rough times in my childhood. Now, with my life greatly improved, I'm a part of the family that I'd always dreamed; or so I think. Before my "queen" and I started dating, I had very little experience with children. I've babysat more than a few times, but I always got to go home when the job was finished and the idea of a 24-hour babysitting job, or to be a parent/ step-parent, is a lot of responsibility, uncertainty, and something that I take very seriously. I consider being a member of this family to be THE greatest honor of my life and I work very hard for my family. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do. In every spare moment, I'm cleaning house, watching my "princess," driving my lovely ladies where they need to go, helping with homework, refilling the humidifier,or the daily breakfast and snack preparations. My "queen's" ex-husband already has a family of his own including a girlfriend who has a son. My "princess" has a group of wonderful people who love her very much, but for some reason, I feel like I'm the odd one out.

It's becoming clear that my little, beautiful "princess" might not see me as a part of her family. In a past few months, and twice in the last two days, she's talked about her family and would list them by name. There was, of course, mommy, daddy, and then daddy's girlfriend, her son, but not me. I understand her being weary of somebody replacing her father, but I've told her a number of times that nobody would ever replace her dad and that I went through this exact thing when I was a kid and were always going to be good friends, first and foremost. If the fear of replacing parents is the reason that I'm out, then why is daddy's girlfriend in the mix?

It was already a challenge in learning the nuances of being a parent/ step-parent and the doubt that I have in my abilities is only exacerbated by the notion that the youngster doesn't see me as such.

My girlfriend has custody so raising her is pretty much our show. Raising a child, especially one so gifted, is an exceptional challenge and will continue to be so probably through graduate school. I'm completely prepared to be "second fiddle" for the rest of this young woman's life and when she succeeds, the credit will rightfully go to her mother and father. I don't need to be player of the game when I think I'm one of the hardest workers out there, but I struggle when I don't feel recognized as even being on the field, especially when I don't think I'm good enough to be on it to begin with. Seven year olds are free to think however they want, love who they want, and decide which people she considers family. I don't want this to sound like I'm mad or even hurt. I'm a bit shocked and confused when I think about it and the thoughts like, "see, you aren't doing enough for your family!" starts creeping into my head.

One final note: I kind of quit smoking a long time ago by reducing to 3 to 6 smokes a day. On some days, it might be a half a drag for the whole day and other, more stressful days, might be the full six. So, because I'm a family man now, I decided it was time to quit and I went on the gum. It turns out that one of the chemicals in the gum was burning a hole in my gum that is now a canker sore that won't go away. With the gum thrown away, I wanted to go back to smoking, but I won't let myself because I'm a member of a family and good family folks don't participate in risky behavior. I just can't conceive of what else I have to do to be accepted by everyone. And that makes me want a cigarette! Argh…….

Bottom line is that I'll be okay. I just have to keep my head on straight and do the work that needs done. Because they're worth it!!!

Sorry..... I've been busy.

TO MY READERS:

Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days, but I've been really, really busy! Guitar lessons are going well. I can play my CAGED chords and the first three lines of "Silent Night." Oh, I can also rock out on "Mary had a little lamb!"

I started a body cleansing vitamin regiment 6 days ago which was tons of pills and frequent trips to the bathroom. I feel so much better and I lost 5 and a half pounds. I thought this was going to be the catalyst that broke this awful plateau, but to no avail. I gained it all back by this morning.

I'm still tightening up and getting in better shape, but my weight has stayed the same since last August. I'm not getting frustrated though because I'm eating for the right reason and living a healthy lifestyle, so weight loss will eventually be a byproduct. I'm not hitting my exercise like I'd like, but this week WILL be different. I need to push myself just a little harder to get everything in and I intend to do it. My super-intense workout is getting easier and gaining speed and endurance on the track as well as in the pool!

I promise I'll have a good blog tomorrow, but I wanted to check-in and reflect for a second.

LIFE IS GOOD!