Un-Thanksgiving?

I used to listen to Sean Hannity's radio show and I recall he used to make fun of a certain staff member that he called Flipper. This young woman, Flipper, was a vegetarian, so she would get excited about Thanksgiving for the "Tofu-rkey" they had every year. I just assumed that Flipper was this crazy, vegan, hippie young woman that probably didn't bathe properly, so I enjoyed her berating.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I just can't seem to get psyched about it. Last year, our family had multiple feasts, on multiple dates, at different locations around the state. Also, every Thanksgiving, including the one previous, I would count down the days to the turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Thanksgiving used to be my Christmas because it was an opportunity to pig out all day on my absolute favorite foods!

This year, it just doesn't even sound good. Maybe those 10,000 hours of healthy living habits have come a little earlier than I thought. I'm don't even plan on spotting myself extra calories tomorrow and I think I might be able to get in a work-out before we leave town.

1.) I was really in a bad place if gorging on starches and belittling vegetarians was what I took so much pleasure.
2.)Does anybody know where I could purchase a "Tofu-rkey"?!?!

700 days and counting...

"Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry 'bout the parts that you don't know. Life's a dance you learn it as you go..." John Michael Montgomery

700 days ago, I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem. At that point in my life, I was so ill that I didn't even realize the 300 pound sack I was carrying on my back, how disheveled I had become, or how I was living in a self-produced landfill, by choice! I will never, ever forget the horror when I stood on a specially manufactured scale, 700 days ago, and saw the numbers 504 pounds flash before my eyes. It was like I was run over by the reality bus!

They says that it takes 10,000 hours to become a professional at something. If I'm spending at least 12 hours a day (gotta sleep sometime) practicing the healthier living techniques that I'm constantly learning then I should be able to consider myself a pro in 833 calendar days. I'm excited to see what that is going to look like!

The thing that I'm most proud of is that all of this work was done without any smoke or mirrors. I've had zero surgeries and the one and only diet I've used is that silly, little food guide pyramid that I learned about in the fourth or fifth grade. Had I taken that scheme to heart then, I might not hurt in my knees, hips, upper back, lower back and feet. I'll admit that I do complain about the exercise a little much, but I have honestly enjoyed every second of this arduous task and am truly excited to see what tomorrow has in store.

Saturday's Correspondence: The Dating World

As many of you know from reading my blog, I've had my fair share of bad, depressing issues and experiences with dating and am incredibly relieved to be experiencing some of the better aspects of the dating world. A handful of my close friends have recently complained of their struggles in finding Mr./Mrs. Right and my nieces are in the process of entering this very ominous world, so I thought I would start my "Saturday's Correspondence" with a letter to the dating community...

Dear dating community,

Dating, falling in and out of love, and finding and losing companionship almost cost me my life! Since my late elementary school interest in girls, I’ve always used love, or the dream of love, as a way to hide the bad wiring in my brain, which in turn made me the quarter-ton man that I was. I actually thought that love could fix all problems. “All you need is love,” right? I even got to the point that when women stopped loving me, I would actually love them more to make up for the deficit. I can now admit that this vicious cycle became so awful that it caused me to weigh the value of my own life on a number of occasions, followed by the indescribable hell of deciding if I had the nerve to put my pain to an ultimate end.

That said, I have loved and still love dating, especially first dates. There is nothing better than meeting a person on some intimate level and having the opportunity to share a little piece of you with someone else. It is an opportunity to sell yourself, learn new and interesting things, and share thoughts and feelings that wouldn’t normally be shared in a group setting. Because so much information is being exchanged, every date is an incredible opportunity to learn something new about yourself. There is nothing more refreshing than shining a light on some aspect of your identity which puts you one step closer to definitively stating who you are as an individual.

With my love for the "art of seduction" in mind, I have to say that I’m a big fan of yours! You have so many incredible qualities that make you special. Because of my “fan-ness,” it would mean so much to see you find happiness. You see, I have a great deal of experience in this department because both my parents could be considered “serial-re-marriers!” Somewhere along the line, my parents lost sight of the emotional driving force behind their instinct for companionship. I think something happened to each of them that caused them to date in an attempt to fill self-perceived holes in their individual identities. At that point, they dated and married in an attempt to make themselves whole, which just doesn’t work. The only person that can fill the “holes in your soul (Aerosmith)” is you!

So, in dating, one should be more interested in finding someone that is a compliment to their existing life instead of somebody to make their life complete. Because if you date for the latter, you aren’t being fair to the person you’re seeing and more importantly, yourself. If you’re dating to compliment, instead of complete, it is going to be much easier to find that sufficient somebody and increase your chances of making the relationship work.

Now granted, there are a lot of duds out there and I would never suggest settling for anybody. Instead of seeing this as a chore, see it as an opportunity to expand your horizons. You have the opportunity to share your true self with a number of different people. This opportunity can be emotionally fulfilling and tremendously gratifying. It isn’t until you start sharing something with other people that you can determine its true value. Even though this transaction is so fulfilling, you must always be mindful of people that try to take less than they offer. Don’t take this personally; just know that it’s one of the driving forces behind the human experience and something that only you can control!

A concept that used to terrify me was the idea that every time you have an intimate moment with someone (doesn’t have to be sexually) that you leave a piece of yourself with that person, as they do with you. What I also didn’t realize at that time is that you don’t always need a partner to find intimacy. It turns out the most common form of intimacy is what we’ll call personal intimacy. Now, I’m not talking masturbation here, but if you stop and think, you experience intimate moments almost every day! The Buddhists call this moment nirvana, or an escape from suffering. Nirvana is that moment when your mind, body, and soul are completely at one and happens to be the ultimate goal of Buddhism. Through my education on Buddhism, I understood nirvana to be this ultimate life goal through meditation, but I was wrong. You don’t practice meditation in an attempt to bring your soul into alignment, but to heighten your awareness to a point that you have the ability to recognize those moments of nirvana in your daily life. Also, when you become aware of this flash of personal intimacy, how long can you live in that single moment of joy and ecstasy. Personal intimacy (nirvana) can come from playing or even listening to a piece of music, from creating art, from getting a good grade or positive performance evaluation, from meeting a goal, or from resting your head on your pillow with the belief that you did your absolute best!

I used to believe that if intimacy left parts of me behind, that I could actually give so much of myself that eventually there wouldn’t be anything left of me to share; the prostitute/porn star effect. My life got so out of control because I was only aware of partnered intimacy and I felt that every tiny piece of my soul was costing me increasingly more than I could afford. So, I closed off my heart, walled up my apartment with newspapers and pizza boxes, and shared the only aspect of intimacy that I had left, food and alcohol, with the only person I thought I could trust.

What I have learned from later experiences and reflections on those dark, dark days absolutely blew my mind. Who you are has nothing to do with how much of your soul you have left, but an evaluation of where and how much of your identity that you’ve left behind. It isn’t about what is inside of you, but of the circumstances surrounding those moments of nirvana and how long you managed to live in those particular moments. Now, living in one particular moment for too long can be detrimental, just ask the 40-year-old, self-proclaimed high school hero, but that is a different discussion for a different day.

In all aspects of life, including dating, you must remember that the only person that can love you indiscriminately is yourself. After that, everything and everybody else is just icing on the cake.

“Your best friend is you. I’m my best friend too. We share the same views and hardly ever argue. Eat spam from a can, watch late night C-SPAN, and rock out to old school Duran, Duran!” Jimmy “Pop” Ali; the Bloodhound Gang

Expressions like “love at first sight” or “fall head over heels in love” are expressions used by people that are trying to hide their perceived faults and insecurities with the companionship of another person. Take it from a self-professed, chronic “love at first sight” guy. People fall immediately in love when they don’t have love for themselves. I used see a lot of truth behind the expression, “behind every great man is a greater woman that supports him.” I thought that if a woman that I loved and respected was holding on to one of my hands, that I could successfully reach for the stars with the other. I’ve said it before, but what I’ve come to discover is that if you first find your star and tightly grasp it with both hands, then you soul’s compliment will be the person that just so happens to be tightly grasping that very same star!

Best wishes and enjoy the journey,

Andy

Maybe the world does revolve around me...

Did Oprah resign from television because of my twisted dreams of she, Jenna Jameson, and myself? I don't know whether to be flattered or hurt!

Absolutely Twisted

So, I was working out this afternoon and as I was riding the exercise bike I was pleasantly surprised to see Jenna Jameson on the TV in front of me. I was a little surprised to see her on TV in the middle of the afternoon, in a public place no less, but I wasn't about to complain. I will admit that I'm a big fan of her work and seeing her allowed my mind to wander though her previous works and in my mind I was even in a scene or two! So, Jenna and I were gettin' to it right there in the gym when Oprah Winfrey entered my fantasy! What the hell? Oprah Winfrey?

It turns out I was watching Oprah interviewing Jenna Jameson. Based on the fantasy I was having and the entrance of Oprah into the scene, I now have a very sick and twisted mental picture of them both! So now, I'm sad to say that Mrs. Jameson's movies are officially a turn-OFF for me now. Oprah never turned me on, but she is synonymous with so many people that whenever I see Tom Cruise, Dr. Phil, or President Obama, to name a few, all I'm going to think about is Jenna Jameson, Oprah Winfrey, and myself getting twistedly "freaky deaky."

With this new development I can guarantee that you won't find me watching HBO, any news station, or daytime TV in general! On a positive note, I do need to be reading more, but at what cost?

Unbelievable game!

Holy Shit! Thanks to Tivo, I got a workout in before watching the Colts. At 1am, I have never silently, screamed so loud in my whole entire life! There was some jumping on soft furniture, silent screaming, and I have no air left in my lungs! No queens or princesses were awakened in my celebration. I need oxygen and some Xanex to be able to sleep tonight...

That loud thud that was heard around the world was Bill Belichick's ego catching a Peyton Manning haymaker that put him down for the count! Maybe you don't have the Colts' number after all Mr. Belichick...

A facebook status I'd like to share

Andy Ashby is astounded beyond belief that his girlfriend makes her own whipped cream from scratch for her morning coffee! I consider myself fairly handy around the kitchen and my breakfast consists of fruit loops or raisin bran, protein shake (powder and water), and pop tarts. I'm over here rubbing two sticks together to get warm and she's got a 200,000 BTU jet furnace with a massage recliner and plasma screen TV...

Family Guy IS a way of life...

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Break it down!