"You can run and tell dat, run and tell dat... home, home, home boy!"

Holy hell everybody needs to see this! First watch the news clip and then the parody video.



Enter the music video...

"Coming through... Denny Crane... Coming through please"

Today's weight is 361.5 pounds. For the week, I have actually gained just under one tenth of a pound, but I am not worried one bit.

So I've been picking up extra shifts at FedEx so this Saturday I went in to help load trucks. I was working with this lady, who I'll admit was a little worse for wear, and we were sorting freight and loading it into baggage carts. She was having trouble remembering which cart was for which city so I explained to her how I was remembering. "It's really pretty easy. Just think A, B, C, and D. The first airport code has an A in it, the second code has a B in it, the third cart has a C in it, and the forth a D. Everything else goes in this cart over here."

"Nope! Not going to work. I'm not a young one like you. I'll never remember that. Besides I've got the "mad cow.""

"Haha! That's funny, like Denny Crane right?"

"Who?"

"You know, Denny Crane, from Boston Legal."

"That doesn't surprise me your friend from Boston has it too. People have been exposed to it for years and the government doesn't want to do anything about it because it makes us easier to control!"

I guess the world take all kinds...

What do pilots drive home?

365 pounds. I'm clearly not losing any weight, but my job and my MMA cardio workout is becoming easier and making me less sore so I'd call it progress of a different sort.

On a side note (side bar), If I were a pilot, I'd own a Honda Pilot so that the back windshield would read, "Airline pilot's Pilot."

Daily weight(s)

7/17/2010: 366
7/18/2010: 366.5
7/19/2010: 367
7/20/2010: 364.5

This MMA (mixed martial arts) style workout I found in the June, 2010 issue of Muscle & Fitness magazine is incredible! It's pretty hardcore though so I've adapted it slightly and I have recently added a weight lifting component. With the whole program in place I didn't anticipate gaining 7 or 8 pounds! It still baffles me when I notice my body getting smaller and more cut while my weight is moving in the opposite direction...

Today's Weight

7/15/2010: 359.5
7/16/2010: 365

I have been getting overheated and nauseous at work so I've been making a point to be more mindful of my electrolytes. On the days that I'm working out and later going to work I have been drinking 2 20-oz Powerades. Most of the time I drink the Powerade zero so that I don't blow my wad calorie-wise, but when I can afford it I'll go with the high octane (200 calorie) Powerade fruit punch. I prefer Powerade over Gatorade because Powerade has a zero calorie option instead of Gatorade's G2 and I think the full calorie Powerade just taste better.. Then again, that is what works for me. Every body and every program is different.

The reason I'm even bringing this up is because all of those beneficial salts in sports drinks, just like naproxen sodium (Alieve) that I have mentioned earlier, when taken in consistent doses will lead to water retention. Don't worry though, as long as you are drinking enough plain old H2O your body will find a healthy balance and you'll find yourself in pretty good shape. Don't be surprised though if your body finds that balance by waking you up 6 or 7 times in the middle of the night for some marathon pee sessions, but I drink a gallon of water a day!

Today's Weight

363.5 again! Go go gadget cardio!

Today's Weight

363.5 pounds. Two days of rest has been nice, but tomorrow starts another 6 days of cardio. I'm very excited! No pain! No pain!

Dear Michael Vick,

(Today's weight is 364 pounds. I hate it when you have a great lifting workout and you gain 5 pounds the next day)

So you were involved in a brawl outside some nightclub where coincidently a shooting took place later that night. I have to say that I am so freakin' proud of you! So is BET's documentary about your incarceration and return to football going to include the brawl and subsequent shooting? It really is one of your finer moments. I hope you thought through what living in Philadelphia would be like since the State of Pennsylvania is revoking your probation and will no longer allow you to leave the state. The good news is that Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger lives in Pittsburgh which is coincidentally also in Pennsylvania. You and Ben can bring Fido to some nightclub where you can get a good brawl going as a distraction so that your professional colleague can force his "Big Ben" on some other poor, resisting woman. If I were you though, I would pass on a getaway ride on his motorcycle. I hope you know he's already gone head first over the handlebars and you can't let Fido get injured or else you'll never hear the end of it...

I hope you don't mind but I've taken the liberty of rewriting that popular Shinedown song to include a verse about you, but I had to change the title from "Second Chances" to "Fifteenth Chances." Keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
Andy

There is always a girl…

359 pounds.

About 3 months after the end of a two and a half year relationship, I decided to get a job as a "sandwich artist" at Subway. It was the start of the spring semester of my freshman year in college and I knew hardly anybody. When my girlfriend and I moved to town, we were still so wrapped up in each other that I never took the time to meet new people and when our relationship went south I found myself in a very lonely position and dealing with pretty serious depression that I had been using my relationship to mask. A few weeks after I started at Subway, a young woman and fellow college student started there and she brought so much light back into my life. She was smart, funny, hilarious, and had this smile that actually brightened the moods of the people around her. I remember she drove this total piece of shit car that she spray painted yellow and then painted these huge multicolored flowers all of it. She was always laughing and saw the humor and the beauty in everything around her. As we began to see each other more and more, we became inseparable. It was such an incredible feeling because as I had began to gain weight from all the recreational drinking, I could tell by the way she looked at me that she still saw the beauty that I possessed inside.

At the end of the academic year, I moved north to a different school and she moved south to cook at a Girl Scout camp, but for the 4^th of July she and a friend drove up to where I was going to school and my best friend and I took them to the carnival and the fireworks. So we got back to my apartment where my rainbow-colored sunflower told me that once the summer was over she was taking a job as a chef on a cruise ship so that night was going to be our last night together, or even in communication, for quite some time. So as the morning hours started to roll around, the young lady and I retired to my bedroom and we began to cuddle, which was actually the first physical contact we ever had. As we were drifting off to sleep in each other's arms, bottles clanging and drunken cursing alarmed us awake. I got up to see what was going on where I found my best friend on the balcony, drunk and in tears. We sat and talked and it turns out that he had tried to make a move on the friend and had been denied. I should have patted him on the shoulder and said better luck next time, but instead I sat down cracked open a beer and started discussing the pitfalls and hardships of being single in an attempt to get him out of his funk. After a few hours of talking, his mood started to lift as the sun started coming up over the horizon. So at a point of physical and emotional exhaustion, I headed back to the bedroom only to discover that her alarm was going to go off in four minutes! I climbed back into bed, woke her up, looked her directly in the eyes and we kissed. I apologized for wasting the night helping my friend and I asked her to remember me for that kiss and not as the hapless mess that I was becoming. At that point, the alarm went off, she and her friend got up, I walked them to her car, we kissed again, and then she drove off never to be seen again. Later as the single life raged on, I came to regret and regret missing every second with the cruise ship, rainbow-sunflower girl.

When I started in my quest towards 215 pounds, my therapist started talking about how important it was to take time for myself and suggested that I get a massage or two. The massages would be good for a 500 pound man who was exercising and it would be therapeutic for my soul. In beginning the process of finding a massage therapist and learning of all the different types of massage I came across a healing technique known as reiki. From what I understand, reiki is a type of massage that deals with getting your energy balances in order and the therapist actually channels the "bad energy" out of places of pain and discomfort and into their own bodies. Furthermore, this practice can't be performed by just anybody off the street because the therapist needs to have the ability of pushing that channeled bad energy out of their own bodies and back into the universe or else the therapist will then suffer their client's pain and discomfort. I thought the idea of this technique was totally preposterous, but now I'm singing a little different tune. Though I believe it to be scientifically unlikely, I really don't think it matters. What does matter is if the client and therapist come to a meeting of the minds. If the patient believes it will work and the therapist believes they are helping, then both parties will experience mutual benefit.

I mention this because I think I have been an unlicensed reiki therapist since I was 7 or 8 years old helping my mother deal with the trials and tribulations of a single, 40-year-old college student raising a child on child support and pell grants. In college, I had a fraternity brother that used to mockingly call me "mother goose" because I was always the one that would seek out those who were in emotional distress and help them get to the bottom of their problems. Though they, and I many times, were too drunk to remember the situation or what exactly was said it would always end it with, "you are a man above men and WE will get through this." The problem was that not only was I not educated in reiki, but I had no education in any sort of therapy, so their fears, pain, and problems became my fears, pain, and problems. And though that pain is what eventually drug me beneath the surface of the water and all the way to the bottom, it was only a welcomed distraction from the huge knife in my belly, or my own personal hell of pain, sadness, despair, and darkness. At that point, as I lay weighted down at the bottom with a knife in my belly, there were very few "clients" that came to see how I was doing. It got to the point that I enjoyed living at the bottom because it meant that there was nobody that needed my magical hands anymore.

I guess I bring this up because earlier this evening I was looking on facebook at pictures of that same friend's wedding. It was so great to see him so very happy and that those sad, sad nights on my balcony with the Bud Lights had finally become a distant memory. As I continued through the pictures I noticed other familiar faces and thought of all the emotional battles that we had fought together, and then I started to feel sad that I missed out on such a joyous celebration. I started thinking of all of the people that I grew up with and struggled though my early 20's with and I realized that probably 95% of them are now married and of those 95% five of them invited me to their wedding. I'm happy to say that of those five, I managed to make four of them, but god do I feel like such a damned fool! To this day I remember every single one of the heart-to-heart conversations with my friends and brothers, but it seems that it didn't mean enough to anybody else to get my name on a guest list. Now this probably makes me sound angry and bitter, but truthfully the only person I hold responsible for any of this is me. My motto used to be that "every beer is an adventure," but in retrospect if it isn't an adventure then its at least a story, and trust me I have a million stories to tell and a bottle cap collection as evidence. But based on distribution of invitations the only person that gives a damn about all these stories, from all those beers, is the fool that is telling them. I guess this kills me so much is because without all those stories, without all those tough times that I thought I was helping my friends through, then all I have to show for the past 13 years of my life is humiliation, embarrassment, and shame for all of the opportunities that I've squandered. After looking through those albums I feel like a crack pot and a first class fool to say the least.

I remember an episode of Family Guy where they did a Dawson's Creek spoof and the theme song went, "high school; because this stuff really matters…" During any given time in college I was carrying at least one of seven people, emotionally and financially, and today only one of them ever contacts me. When my queen and I started dating, she used to complain that she just wished she could understand why her ex-husband was the way he was. She just wanted to understand him, and I would tell her that the fact that you don't understand him is a joy because it means that you aren't as crazy as he is and to understand him means you have give up your own sanity. I spent so much of my early 20's living in other peoples' dysfunction because I was just too scared to make the effort to take advantage of the opportunities I had right in front of me.

I grew up on the story of the man who was walking the beach and came across a little boy throwing sea turtles back into the ocean. The man said to the boy, "Look down the beach at all of those sea turtles that will die if they aren't returned to the sea in the next few minutes. You can't possibly think you can make a difference." The little boy smiled, picked up another turtle, and flung it into the ocean and replied, "I made a difference to that one right there." It would be great to know there was at least one time that I made a difference in the last 13 years, but that isn't going to magically change the mistakes that I have made or make the road ahead any less cumbersome. It's true, I am bitter, but I want to make clear that it is intended at nobody other than me. For each and every one of those characters from those million stories, I want nothing but the best for each and every one of them. My psychiatrist recently prescribed xanex and for some reason I've been reluctant to take them as if I'm afraid of being happy, but I see now that happiness will always be a fool's errand as long as I sit here depressed wishing it to come closer. So tonight I think I will take a pill to help swallow down that sadness and shame so that tomorrow I can rise rested and refreshed and ready to do something to be proud of, because pride is the greatest drug of all!

Today's weight

355.5

“The Summer of George” meets Rocky IV

The other day I was paying for my Bob Evans breakfast when the cashier asks, "It's 90 degrees outside and you're taking hot coffee to go?" I chuckled and replied, "It's true, but I figured if I told somebody that I would pay them to kick me in the ass to wake me up that they'd throw me in the insane asylum!" I mention this because for the most part, I feel like I'm asleep all the time. It seems these days that the only hours I'm awake are the hours I spend moving freight at FedEx, and though I don't sleep the remaining 20 hours of the day I almost feel asleep when I'm awake. Now I don't want to be too hard on myself because I've been all over the place emotion wise, and more specifically medication wise, but I just can't sit around and wait for that perfect drug combination to sweep me off my feet and carry me like a magic carpet through all of the challenges and obstacles all the way down to 215. I need a kick in the ass!

Like so many individuals from my generation, I've grown up with this sense of entitlement. I have no idea why because my mother and I got by on very little in my childhood, but there is still this sense of entitlement nonetheless. Truthfully, I don't necessarily think we are the entitlement generation that others have claimed, but I believe that we grew up with this idea that we will always get out more than we put into something. Our education was almost completely based on setting the bar low and teaching so that as many children as possible can get over. All we had to do is show up and we were passed on to college. During that time, people were becoming millionaires overnight as the "dot.com boom" kept skyrocketing. At that time, all you had to do was try and the world was yours. So many people were doing so well with such minimal effort that arrogance became cliché. In my case, growing up I was so much smarter than a lot of my peers and with that came a feeling of superiority as well as a feeling that I just didn't need to try so hard to get by.

Now, I'm still smarter than a lot of my peers AND I've lost a 150 pounds and I feel like I'm a superstar. I feel at this point that if I stand still that the world will come to me. When you combine that with my fear of failing on this tremendous quest it's as if my feet are stuck in concrete. Like I said, I need a kick in the ass! Enter the Summer of Rocky IV. I've always loved the Rocky movies. I've always loved the idea of one man against the world and the forth Rocky movies takes that struggle to the ultimate peak. This killing machine of a man, Soviet Ivan Drago, has killed Rocky's best friend and long time rival so Rocky has to face Drago for revenge and to preserve his best friend's legacy. So to train for this fight, Drago trains with the most advanced technological equipment at the time while Rocky secludes himself to a farm in Siberia where he uses primitive farming tools to train for the fight of his life. By the end of his training Rocky's has a beard, his hair is long, he's dirty and scrappy looking, but he is in the shape of his life and ready to take on this lethal opponent.

So for me, the Summer of Rocky IV begins today! For the next two months, until school starts, it is 30 hours a week of hard work at FedEx along with an intense 6 day per week workout schedule. At this point, nothing else matters except improving my life and pursuing my dreams. Though I'm not training against Ivan Drago, the harsh realities of life is a pretty strong opponent and is an opponent for which I've got to work extra hard to prepare. One of the things I need to improve is this blog. Over the next few weeks you will see this website undergo a facelift as well as a greater commitment to post more often. I am going to return to posting my daily weight, but this site will be so much more. I'm going to start sharing every aspect of my training, from workouts and recipes to helpful products and workout iPod playlists. In return, I hope that you will share your experiences and diet/exercise aides with me as well as the rest of my audience so that we might all make significant strides together.

As you can see from the hard work stains on my shirt that day one's workout was quite intense. Here is to committing that every workout from here on out will match or surpass that intensity. As Rocky would say in this situation, "NO PAIN! NO PAIN! NO PAIN!"

Today's weight is 358 pounds.

Monday Morning Quarterback (weekly weight review)

Today's weight was 357.5 pounds. Since my weight fluctuates so much from day-to-day, I calculate a daily 7-day average for comparison purposes and on Sundays I generate a report:

High weight: 365
Low weight: 358
7-day average weight (Monday): 361.786
7-day average weight (Sunday): 361.429
Weekly weight loss: 0.357 pounds

A slight postponement...

360.5 pounds. The summer of Rocky IV will be postponed until Monday, June 21st.

Positive motion

360 pounds. I'm happy to see that road trip bulge quickly going away. I am super excited for tomorrow! I'm actually going to be able to hit the gym and lift. I'll explain...

So I have been working at the Indianapolis Hub for FedEX Express for almost 2 months now and I work in the most physically demanding department. In my department, 3-ton metal cans are unloaded off the planes and are pulled to a catwalk where my teammates and I unload them and place the packages on a conveyor belt where they are to be sorted. I equate it to moving into a new apartment for 3 hours every night in an factory environment that, even when it is cool outside, it feels like a south Florida summer inside. So it has been so physically demanding that if I try to get a lift in during the day then I don't have the strength to do my job at night.

Luckily, I save all of my workouts and I remembered I had a workout routine that I pulled from the iFitness app when I had my iPhone. This workout concentrates primarily on my arms, which I can always use help with, and only requires two workouts a week. So, I can lift on Friday, since Friday night is our slowest night, rest Saturday, and then go again on Sunday and have almost 36 hours of recovery time before my shift starts on Monday night / Tuesday morning at midnight. Then the rest of the week I can do cardio and yoga.

I am declaring this my Rocky IV summer! I'll explain tomorrow...

Post-vacation Blues...

362.5 :( I don't think I actually gained 5 pounds in the last week because I might have imbibed too many adult beverages and am currently in the process of re-hydrating, but that wasn't the number I was hoping to see.

Boomshakalaka!

357.5... Now we're cooking! I knew heading back into the 360's was a little odd. It turns out that I work 3rd shift and my queen witnessed me get up to go to the bathroom three of four times in a 2 hour period this morning which explains the jump back to 362 & 361. I drink over a gallon of water per day so it is easy to see how that can drastically effect one's weight loss, but it is only temporary.

Tip: For the amount of exercise you're probably doing to lose weight, drink water like it's going out of style. A gallon per day has been my policy since the beginning. It is hard at first, but once you do it regularly your body will crave it.

Monday Morning Quarterback (weekly weight review)

Today's weight was 363.5 pounds. Since my weight fluctuates so much from day-to-day, I calculate a daily 7-day average for comparison purposes and on Sundays I generate a report:

High weight: 362
Low weight: 353
7-day average weight (Monday): 358.93
7-day average weight (Sunday): 357.14
Weekly weight loss: 1.786 pounds

 

FYI: Did you know that taking Alieve can lead to temporary weight gain? Alieve (Naproxen SODIUM) has tons of salt which will cause your body to retain water. Don't worry though. After you take it for a few days you body will balance itself out.

Daily Weight

361.5... Weekly review tomorrow!

"Sometimes the bar gets you..."

362 :(

weighing in

353.5

Where am I going?

353!

uh oh...

354.5! I should mention that I'm extremely loyal, so invest in me now and it would be like as George Kostanza puts it, "it's so prolific it's like investing in Microsoft in the 80's!"

"and boom goes the dynamite!"

356.5

Dear Alanis Morissette,

Now THAT is irony! Your song that was recently "rehabbed" on the American Idol finale is just about a bunch of people that have really bad luck...

Monday Weigh-in

Today's weight was 359 pounds. Since my weight fluctuates so much from day-to-day, I calculate a daily 7-day average for comparison purposes and on Sundays I generate a report:

High weight: 362.5
Low weight: 357
7-day average weight (Monday): 361.57
7-day average weight (Sunday): 358.93
Weekly weight loss: 2.643 pounds

The hardest part of weighing in every day...

362.5 :(

Today's Weight

358.5

Today's Weight

357.5. Today's weight, or more the gained half-pound, is brought to you by Dairy Queen and their fine assortment of Blizzard flavor treats!

Honestly though, I would have had to eat about six of Blizzards yesterday to have that half-pound be all Blizzard though it isn't a good idea to eat one daily. Yesterday was the start of summer, as it was the last day of school for the princess, so what better way then to meet the bus with some Alice Cooper blaring as we sang "School's Out" on our way to the local Dairy Queen. Calorically not the best plan, but there are just some aspects of Americana that you can never do without...

Also, though the blueberry biscuits from Hardees also may sound like a bad idea, but maybe not that bad of an idea. Turns out they are 470 calories a piece bad, but oooh so delicious!

Hey ladies, I'm a Magnum guy!

357 pounds that is...

"Rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'... WHAT?"

358.5! Today's daily weigh in is brought to you by [enter corporate sponsorship here]. I sure couldn't have lost 151.5 pounds without [product name] which was researched, finely tuned, and available to you by the fine folks over at [corporate sponsor]. Yum! Tastes life saving :D

The right direction!

359.5...

Dear FedEx,

Throwing boxes, or gently picking up every box and walking it to the moving conveyor belt depending on who is reading, is great exercise. You make the fat man in me just a little tinyier everytime I clock in...

new week with more fervor...

361.5

holy, bachelorette party...

363.5

Yeah, I broke the plateau!!!

362... Wrong way though :(

And the pattern continues

361.5

Seeing a pattern?

361.5

Today's weight

361.5

My Weight

361 pounds!

Better... Better!

364 pounds.

Holy weight spike, Batman!

366... argh

Mrs. Gosselin, your children called and they need you at home…

Before drifting away to sleep last night I happened across Entertainment Tonight. ET was keeping up with their 24-7 Dancing with the Stars coverage as they featured their behind the scenes correspondent Kate Gosselin of TLC's Jon and Kate plus Eight fame. Watching Mrs. Gosselin made me start to think about which one of them, Jon or Kate, was more responsible for the downfall of TLC's little cash cow. Now I'll admit that I've never seen the show, but I don't think it takes a half hour of coverage to see the true piece of dysfunctional garbage that is Jon Gosselin. What I found so disturbing the other night is that with The Gosselin's entrance into the public spectrum serving as the catalyst that destroyed their family and potentially ruined the lives of her eight beloved children, she (Kate Gosselin) still can't tear herself away from that damn idiot box and focus her attention on the only eight young lives that truly depend on her. So maybe the only real difference between the two proud owners of the "plus eight" is that one just has a much better publicist than the other!

I've previously equated parents that push their young children into the spotlight as pimps with more talent to work with and better resources, but I hold those parents in sainthood over those parents that use their children as stepping stones, decorations, or mere pawns in order to fulfill their dreams of happiness. I'm thinking of men that are passive aggressive little cowards that like to have children because it requires the least amount of effort to have people to look up to them and respect them without question; all the while blowing more air into their overinflated egos. These are the type of people that will leave their children in a heartbeat for greener pastures, but will cling to visitation, control, and more importantly their title as if they were still sleeping every waking night five steps down the hall.

The problem here is that more and more people are living along these days, but the population growth isn't slowing down. That means this population increase is leading to the creation of more and more single parent households. The problem is that a person's word just doesn't mean anything, inasmuch as a commitment to starting a family, either through a conscious effort with family planning or through unprotected sex with unintended consequences, many times lasts just as long as the act of creation. So why are we as a society so inclined to bite off more than we can chew almost as if it were fashionable? Our economy is in such turmoil right now because millions upon millions of people took out $400,000 and $500,000 mortgages when they made less than $100,000 a year which would be the sexual equivalent of having a weekend of unprotected sex while popping fertility drugs like skittles! This makes me think of a friend in college who had the money to pay rent but decided to spend it on beer money and a new TV. When his landlord kicked him out, my friend was absolutely livid and claimed the landlord didn't even need the money because he saw him driving a BMW!

When my queen and I started dating, my best friend asked me if I was ready to be a daddy, since my queen had a daughter. I remember smirking and responding that these days a daddy pays child support and only sees their kids during visitations so then were the daddies out there ready to be like me? When the princess is in the house, I can't help but make her the constant center of attention and she isn't even my daughter! I just don't understand how so many people can think so little of the greatest gift and the greatest joy they will ever know. Dr. Laura Schlessinger used to be, not sure if she still is, a radio talk show host and her whole mantra was, "I am my kid's mom." Her whole belief, and she would council callers to such, is that no matter what happens a parent should always put their kids first; no matter how troubled a marriage you find a way to make it work at least until they're 18. Eventually she was written off as some right-wing religious zealot, because Schlessinger is clearly a Christian name, but I think her message is solid. Our children are our most precious resource and they should be treated as such. So today, if only for today, why don't you ask your kids what they would like to do today and see what you can't do to make that happen. Maybe you could watch or even be on TV just 10 minutes less and use that time to play dolls, shoot hoops, or read a book together. If you're still confused then just stop what you're doing and follow your kids around for a while and you evolutionary instincts should kick in eventually. And finally, Kate Gosselin, leave the TV cameras in Hollywood and go home to your kids!

"What dreams may come"

The other night, a surreal feeling of calm overtook me on my way to the car. I stopped, stood in the parking lot, took a deep breath, and miraculously felt like a whole new man. As that overwhelming urge started to subside, I realized what it was. Since it had rained all evening, I had stumbled into that post-shower pot of new, fresh air that was absolutely intoxicating!

Rain is natures way of starting anew. For all of the dust, fowl odors, pollution, and whatnot that is kicked up in the air day after day, all it takes is a fresh little rain shower to wash our most precious necessity fresh and clean. Even in the dark, our planet is never asleep so I like to think of the rain as Mother Nature's attempt to recline in a hammock somewhere and catch a few z's. Doesn't Mother Nature have to sleep in a hammock? And in one of those Corona commercials. It's just fitting...

So what else would Mother Nature do during her little siestas, but dream? She must dream of all the beautiful things that she can create once those dark skies subside. A waterfall, a tropical paradise, rolling prairie that goes on forever, snow capped mountains, and streams or rivers that you could only see in a post card; all dreams of our beloved Mother Nature. Rain is so important for survival on this planet, just as dreams are so important to our emotional survival. We all need washed clean so we can rise the next day with that spring rain-esque feeling of new beginnings.

Has anybody stopped to critically think about Mother Nature? I'm not talking about global warming, greenhouse gases, or climate change but Mother Nature the person. Who is she? Where is she from? Does she have a family? How about a sister I could go out with? How does she feel about global warming? How much education is required to be considered for the planet mother position? Do they require references and what kind of background check is involved? Are they hiring for any other positions? Do they have casual Friday? Do they offer dental?

What I'm getting at is who asked her to be Mother Nature? Did she volunteer? I mean who would do such a thing? That is an awesome responsibility! What if she gets sick or has a death in the family? What happens when Mother Nature decides to take a personal day? What happens when Mrs. (I'm assuming) Nature starts going through menopause? If she travels does she experience jet lag, and what happens to the planet because of it? In that case, what happens if her circadian rhythms were to get messed up and the moon came out in the day and the sun came out at night? What if...

What if she became so sad and tired of all of the death and destruction from hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes that she stopped dreaming altogether? As if she made it her job to protect us all from the destructive aspects of weather by trying to stay awake forever? How would this planet survive without rain? How would we live without dreams? After a year of struggling with this same issue, I can tell you that life is pretty miserable without dreams and it's even more painful when you abstain from dreaming in order to protect those you hold dear.

Over the last year, my life improvement has stagnated. And though I've tried to attribute it to a number of different factors, the truth is that I've lost my desire. I've stopped dreaming. I've taken a blind eye to what is necessary to improve myself, and I've chosen to stop growing as an individual. I'm afraid to dream because I fear that my dreams and personal growth will take me in a direction that is not in sync with the futures of my queen or princess. The good news is that this isn't a unique problem. I think that a lot of people stop growing as individuals when they get into a relationship for fear that their personal growth might steer them away from this fresh joy in their lives and they don't realize they've lost their individuality until the relationship hits the skids.

The problem is that this doesn't feel like some hesitation to conform. There is something much bigger at play. Fear. I am afraid. And though I thought I was afraid of leaving my royal family, the truth is that I am afraid of failure. You see when I started this journey, the fog of depression was so thick in my mind, that I was completely indifferent to the whole process and the ominous road that lied before me. Plus, at 510 pounds, I had nowhere to go but up. Now, I'm actually starting to look like a normal human being and I'm developing the muscles and physique of a damn fine human being! I'm looking better, I'm feeling better, and I'm studying in a degree program that actually feels like home. For the first time in my life, those size 62 pants where I keep all of my emotional shortcomings and bad decisions have a few metaphorical coins in the front pocket and I'm afraid of losing what I've accumulated thus far. As I have said before, it isn't how low you get that is so painful, but its how fast and how far you fall in comparison to where you began. What began as my abstinence from dreaming to protect my family became me hiding behind them for fear of what the future would hold.

I recently had a philosophy assignment where I had to discuss Nozick's "Experience Machine." Nozick's machine is a device that could be programmed to create any and every experience in the world; sex, power, fame, or even peace. So the question became whether or not you would get into the machine. Nozick believed that most people would abstain because just having the experience without the toil and effort to achieve it would result in an empty victory and hardly worth the experience. My comment was that it isn't whether I would get into the machine, but don't we as a society already have experience machines? We drink alcohol, we abuse narcotics, we take antidepressants, we overeat, we engage in loveless intercourse, and we tell lies. Aren't all of these things a way to escape from the pain that we feel inside; if only for a single moment? I have come to realize that I was wrong.

Truth is, we already live in an "Experience Machine!" In this world, there isn't anything we can't do! You want to be the President? Fine, go be the President. 44 men have already used the "Experience Machine" for that one. Wanna fly? We can do that! Swim with the dolphins? Go to the beach, go to Sea World, or go get stoned with Ricky Williams (running back for the Miami Dolphins) and you can fly and swim with a Dolphin at the same time... I'm talking about "manifest destiny." If you want it then go out and get it! The only thing standing between you and your dreams is yourself!" Now granted, if you want to experience flying like a bird so you jump off a skyscraper, you will die, but what piece of equipment doesn't have a bug or two? I'm sure you all have witnessed Microsoft's "blue screen of doom." Maybe Nozick can fix those qwerks for version 2.3 or hopefully Apple CEO Steve Jobs will buy it and develop it into iLife...

So say the door to this magical device is like a bright, beaming light in an endless plain of shadows and darkness, then I am huddled on the ground, paralyzed with fear, just outside the grasp of the light. It isn't the endless possibilities that frightens me, but more the high probability that I'm going to follow the wrong one. I have made too many mistakes in my life and here I am. I don't have any drugs addictions, I'm not in debt, I don't have a litter of children spread across the country, and I'm not a felon! My teeth are clean, I'm in perfect health, and I've still maintained my friends and family. Why? Why? Why? Aside from the 300 extra pounds that accumulated throughout my body and the long list of emotional problems, I'm still standing tall and that is what is so terrifying!

They say that the odds of being struck by lighting twice are better than winning the lottery. In my case, I feel like I've won the jackpot twelve weeks in a row so now I really need to stay indoors, even when the sun is shinning, because it just seems like my time to be struck by lightning is long past up. I want to do right by my life and I want to follow my dreams, but I feel I need to always be zigging and zagging to avoid the lighting for fear that this will be the one that takes me all the way down, and worse takes the people I love down with me. This might sound absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help but feel this way and it is driving be bananas!

Unlike most of the blogs I write, there is no happy ending, there is no right choice, and there is no solution; only more questions. Though I don't know the correct path, it is time to move forward. Fear not only makes us human, but it also guides us by teaching us who we really are. I need to bring accountability back into my life and it starts right now. Today I weighed 361.5 pounds and though I have made incredible headway, I am absolutely ashamed and embarrassed for the world to quantifiably know just how many mistakes I've made. But accountability comes through honesty, so from now on I'm going to publish my daily weight right here on my blog so that there will be no more excuses or explanations for what is happening with my weight; just one number plain and simple.

I like to use other's words in my writing because I feel that there are so many people wiser than I who can create a masterpiece of the emotions I'm trying to convey. It was definitely a toss up, but I settled on, "And in the end on dreams we will depend cause that's what dreams are made of..."

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of...

Dreams by Van Halen

Would You Hire Pat Robertson to be Your Doctor?

Now that the health care debate is getting down to arguing over how congress is going to vote on the measure, I'm just happy that we're getting a little closer to when we don't have to hear about this damn piece of legislation for a while. That said, I have some concerns about this bill and they're concerns that nobody else seems to be talking about. The Republicans are screaming about how this is the start of socialism and how we need to take a stand while the Democrats claim that they are trying to help those less fortunate and that everybody should be entitled to health care. Though I agree that socialized medicine feels a lot like socialism, which as capitalist I am obviously opposed, my greatest fear is what happens when the Republicans are controlling the show again?

We are hearing all of these stories of how much government intervenes in the healing process in Canada and England where the government allows certain prescriptions for certain conditions and how surgeries have to be approved and wait listed. No matter if you want to call our transition a single-payer system or not, in evaluating whether this measure is best for the United States we really need to be looking at the worst case scenarios and socialism isn't anywhere near the worst case scenario. It is my belief that the more power that we give to government, the worse our lives are going to be when rogue or misguided influences come into power. The Russian Revolution was based on the best of intentions. The people were going to overthrow Czar Nicholas and the citizens were finally going to have a voice at the decision making table. The problem arose when Stalin and Lenin, who were supposed to be friends of the people, took power and made life for the people more restrictive than the Romanoff family ever did. Stalin murdered more Soviet citizens than Hitler killed Jews!

So say we start down the road to socialized medicine. 98% of economists agree that moving to this system is going to put incredible strain on our economy which is already in trouble. So what happens in 6 years when the economy is in the toilet and the Republicans campaign for congress and the presidency with a plan that will fix the economy and keep socialized medicine. They propose a package of tax cuts to boost the economy, which works every time it's tried, and they get a huge financial backing from the far, far religious right. Lets say that the Republicans take all branches of government in a landslide and now President Huckabee, a former Methodist minister, appoints someone to head up the Department of Health and Human Services that amends the single payer health care system so that the government won't be paying for abortions anymore. Furthermore, the government will not be paying for anybody's psychiatric medications (i.e. antidepressants and anti-psychotics) until the patient participates in 20 hours of Christian education. What if the federal health care system mandated that life support could never be terminated, for any reason, or else the family would be responsible for the entire cost of their loved one's hospital visit?

You don't think that's possible? What Christian charity do you know that provides, without any sort of Christian education, either to qualify for an initial donation or else qualify for extended assistance? Habitat for Humanity's global mission statement says that they will help anybody regardless of sex, creed, education or religion, but our local chapter requires six hours of "Christian education" before they can even be considered. It seems that to a lot of Democrats, social justice is almost like a religion which we as a country are experiencing now since the Democrat party controls both houses of congress as well as the executive branch. So what is going to happen when this brand new power of government has to be handed over to the other side of the aisle and their brand of religion?

It may seem a little extreme but when a new law is up for debate in Congress that gives the federal government more power, I try to think of the craziest person I know and wonder what that person would do with that power if they were in control of this country. Sounds far-fetched, but there is a member of the senate from West Virginia that used to be a member of the Klan. Indianapolis used to be represented by a woman that participated in less than a third of all congressional votes and continued to get re-elected. Mayor Marion Barry was caught buying crack cocaine from an undercover cop on video tape, was sentenced to jail, and was re-elected when he got out. For all of you that think that President George W. Bush was a bumbling idiot, well, he was elected to the presidency twice! Think that crazed lunatics won't get elected? It happens all the time.

What is the solution? How about allowing for national health insurance companies instead of limiting insurance providers to the authority of the state where the insured resides. If these state providers were able to consolidate and pool their money on a national level, they would be better able to control prices and would actually be able to engage each other in a price busting competition. Do you remember before the cell phone industry had national service providers? The providers were local and all owned their own equipment. Back then, your cell phone bill was the most expensive bill you had and you were limited to a certain calling area. If you used your phone outside your calling area then there were huge roaming fees. I remember when I would drive from Terre Haute, Indiana to Vincennes, Indiana I would travel along the Indiana and Illinois border. The whole trip my phone would bounce back and forth between an Indiana tower and an Illinois tower. Every time my phone just pinged an Illinois tower, it would cost me $5.48. Every month I would have to spend four hours on the phone trying to get $35 to $55 taken off my bill and it usually took me hours. When the local cell phone providers consolidated the prices dropped, the service was better, and they actually started competing against each other. Now they are practically giving cell phone service away.

Next, if you want to insure everyone why not encourage the founding of cooperative insurance companies by providing them with the start up money they would need to get going. In exchange for the $20 billion to $30 billion it would no doubt require, they would have to agree to provide health insurance, based on a sliding income scale, to every individual or family that applies. Furthermore, the US government would financially guarantee these cooperative insurers as they do with the postal service and Amtrak. Both of which are financially struggling to compete, but they're also guaranteed not to go out of business. For those worried about the security of their medical records with the government funding these cooperative insurers, look at the postal service. The post office is federally guaranteed and law enforcement agencies still need a warrant to access a citizen's mail. If these cooperative companies were properly funded, they could actually compete against the private insurers and drive the prices down without forcing the private companies out of the industry. This would keep the 33% of doctors, according to the New England Journal of Medicine, that claim they would quit if socialized medicine becomes law, practicing medicine, which is really what is most important.

So ask yourself, how much control over your life are you will to give to Donald Trump, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Sorros, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glen Beck, Rep. Dennis Kusenich, Speaker Pelosi, or Pat Robertson? Pat Robertson recently said on national television that the earthquake in Haiti happened because the people there made a deal with Satan. Do you really want him, or a politician that he bought, deciding what to do with your malignant tumor or clogged artery? Even worse, is insuring everyone worth losing 33% of the doctors in this country? I have to say I sure don't.

Beware of Dog

As I was relazing to sleep last night, I happened across Dog the Bounty Hunter on A&E. Oh wow, was it crazy! It's almost like Jerry Springer's most popular guests were given plastic badges and real guns and told to chase after Jerry's most infamous guests! It absolutely blew my mind that this freak actually has a family! His wife was probably more attractive when she was younger and his daughter is freaking smokin', and they carry guns and go after the bad guys with the Dog!

There was one episode where they traveled to Colorado to help a friend. The friend wanted to go on the raid with them, but the friend, mid 30's to early 40's, was a little green. So the Dog called the friend's mother and what surprised me about the mother is that she wasn't as upset that her son was going in harm's way, but that he didn't tell her about it. Sure enough, in the next scene mom and dad were there to help with the raid!

I think my best description would be:

It's like watching a family in their mobile home rolling off a cliff. You know it will end badly and you feel like you should do something, but you're paralyzed with your eyes afixed on this disaster with this feeling like you'll never see this level of insanity again in your lifetime...

On Behalf of our Colts, Dear President Obama...

Dear President Obama,

At this moment you are probably wrapping up your State of Union address, but there is one state that I feel is more important than the rest. Indiana! On behalf of this great state, I would like to ask you for a small favor. I mean this with all due respect but please, for all that is good and holy in this world, please stay away from Indiana for the next 10 days. Please don't call, write, or visit. Most importantly when you refer to our hometown Super Bowl bound football team, please refer to them as your beloved New Orleans Saints' opponents!

Please don't take this as a personal or political attack but as a simple request on behalf of my hometown NFL team that you don't have to mention. I don't know how to delicately say this, but lately you've been Bush-ing things and I can explain why.

You represented the United States, more specifically the city of Chicago, before the International Olympic Committee and that didn't turn out in our favor. You campaigned for Martha Coakley in Massachusetts and she lost "Teddy" Kennedy's seat to Scott Brown. You have also campaigned for Creigh Deeds and John Corzine in the Virginia and New Jersey governors races and they lost. You were even gracious enough to fly down to Georgia and stump for Councilwoman Mary Norwood in the Atlanta mayoral election, but once again came up short.

And finally for the coup de grace, it sure was nice of you to call the undefeated, number one ranked Kentucky Wildcats yesterday. The team helped raise a million dollars towards the relief effort in Haiti and I'm sure it meant so much for them to receive a phone call from the President of the United States. I know you mean well and I also know you're very, very busy so I should tell you that last night those very same Kentucky Wildcats lost to the South Carolina Gamecocks 68 to 62! The Wildcats are undefeated no more.

Sir, if you really appreciate the hoosiers that helped make you the first democratic presidential candidate in quite some time to win our great state, then please don't say anything about our local football team that has a pretty big game coming up next week. How about for the next 10 days, we just don't exist! Lets just say that if you're driving from Washington D.C. to Los Angeles, you'll drive through Ohio, get to the border, and what do you know you're in Illinois already! I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings and I promise this will only be a few days.

Oh, and one more thing. In May when we crown another Indianapolis 500 winner, please stay away from him, or her, as well because their job requires them to move at over 220 miles per hour! I just don't think that would be safe...

I hope there are no hard feelings,



Andy Ashby

Sinatra sings the Colts to Miami

Below is an exert of Frank Sinatra's New York, New York performed by Peyton Manning and the 2009-2010 Indianapolis Colts...

Start spreading the news,
The Colts are on their way
Peyton Manning trampled on their dreams
New York, New York.

My small town blues
Are melting away
We're taking a Lombardi out of this
Thanks to old New York.
Since the Colts beat the Jets,
They can beat any team,
Better luck next year,
New York, New York.

Go Colts! Go Colts!

Does One Plus One Equal Two Anymore?

"They've done studies you know... 60
percent of the time, it works every time!" Paul Rudd in Anchorman

Today President Obama commented on his 51 percent approval rating at a town hall meeting in Ohio. He said that 51 percent actually demonstrated what a good job he was doing. He went on to say that if half of the country is upset with him, then he is doing fantastic job at stirring up the political arena and changing Washington.

I have only one problem with the president's line of thinking. If poor approval ratings are the best indicator of a truly, good president then why didn't we want four more years of President Bush? The former president's approval rating was much, much lower than 51 percent. So is President Obama really saying that former President Bush is twice as good of a president than he because I think the former president left office with an approval rating of 25 to 30 percent.

This makes me think of opposite day from elementary school. "James, I love you... Ha! It's opposite day so I really said I hate you!"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the American public, today is opposite day so the Jews and Palestinians love each other, the Iranian president has purchased himself a new "members only" jacket, unemployment is at an all time low, and the federal reserve has so much money that they are going to give it back to the American people. I don't appreciate you and God please don't bless America."

What I find so despicable about politics is that the President's "opposite day speech" could very well be the State of the Union address in a few days. Boy, statistics sure are tricky.

How to Man Up...

Some pretty serious things have been going on in my life and I will be able to talk about them in a few days, but this needs to be mentioned now. I don't know how many of you watched Conan O'brien's last episode on the Tonight Show, but his farewell speech was absolutely amazing! I don't know what I would do if I were in his position. Sure, the $30 million dollars would help, but for Conan to be so conciliatory and gracious makes him top notch in my book. After watching that speech tonight, there is no doubt in my mind the type of man that I want to be. Jim Valvano's "never give up" will go down as my number 1 most moving delivery, but Conan O'brien is going to be number 2. What a fantastic act for us all to follow...

NBC is forcing other sites to take the clip down so here is from NBC.com. You have to forward to 32 minutes

Why I hate new semesters...

1.) Re-remembering how heavy my circa-2003 laptop is by the throbbing muscles in my middle back.
2.) Hearing the words dude, bro (pronounced bra), what up?, tight, dawg, or "Oh... my god!"
3.) $32.78 for single-subject notebooks, folders, pens, and pencils.
4.) SCANTRONS
5.) Dealing with the folks that don't believe they should pay extra for parking by tailgating me into parking garages.
6.) Having my syllabus read to me.
7.) The word "jagtag" re-enters my vocabulary (I find it hilarious that university employees don't understand when I refer to a jagtag as my "university issued identification card").
8.) Staring up the school bus steps.
9a.) Feeling obese and decrepit because I have classes with girls, not women, that I could devour over the length of a football game while LEGALLY consuming alcohol.
9b.) Starting another semester being constantly reminded that I can't yet fit into Hurley and Abercrombie.
10.) You know what? Think of your own damn list cause I've got enough writing to do this semester!!!

And with that, the life-improvement roller coaster keeps on chuggin' along...

a quick note

Dear Donovan McNabb,

Rush Limbaugh just might have been correct about you...