"Family Guy" under attack

“Families who watch television together on Sunday night shouldn't be bombarded by content like this that would be more appropriate for the Playboy Channel.” Tim Winter, Parent's Television Council

The PTC (Parent's Television Council) has filled a very public complaint about the most recent aired "Family Guy" episode. In the episode, Mr. Pewderschmidt, Peter's father-in-law, admits that he never had a bachelor party, so Peter and his friend take him out to a strip club. While at the strip club, the guys buy Mr. Pewderschmidt a lap dance and then they have to explain to him what it is. I saw the episode and I admit it was a little racy, probably as racy as clothed cartoon characters could be, but now the PTC is up in arms about it. According to Tim Winter of the PTC, “Apparently Fox must believe that because the program is animated it can air anything it wants on Family Guy no matter how inappropriate or indecent."

I think it's fantastic that we, the television viewing public, have watchdog groups and lobbyist organizations to protect us from non-Christian influences on TV, but I'm wondering who is responsible for protecting our children from parents that don't care enough about their children to monitor what they watch on television! For that matter, who is in charge of protecting adults from indecency on television or even from our SPAM message and junk email boxes. Also, I think Mr. Winter of the PTC should pick up the phone and call his fun-hating friends at the tobacco, fast food, and alcohol lobbies because once you insist on a warning label on the product, there isn't much else the manufacturer can be compelled to do.

WARNING: No lifeguards present. SWIM AT YOUR OWN RISK!

It seems to me that by publicly opposing Seth MacFarlane's "Family Guy," the PTC, and similar organizations, are actually offering the show free publicity and now there is a greater risk of young children learning the specifics of topless bars, lap dances, and the rest of the indecent material that the responsible parents are trying to keep from their kids.

Say for example that the good parent turns off the television when "Family Guy" comes on or makes their children watch something else. A few days later, the child hears on the news that "Family Guy" is in trouble for their most recent episode. So the child gets on the Internet in class and finds the article and reads words like strip club and lap dance. Then, with a little help from Wikipedia, the youngster is now fully educated on the material that his or her parents where trying to protect them from. This same child might now be aware that Playboy has a television network and will now accept invitations for sleepovers with kids they might not like but know their parents don't care what they watch. Personally, that sums up my sexual education.

I was watching the infamous Super Bowl Halftime Show with the "wardrobe malfunction" and I absolutely missed the controversy. It was just too quick for me, as well as most other viewers, to make out exactly what happened before the camera switched to something else. It was until the watchdog groups started publicly complaining that I learned what had happened. At that point, I got to a computer as fast as I could to see Janet Jackson's notorious breast before websites started taking it down. Parents, I guarantee you that your children did the same!

What the American public has to understand is that most lobbyist organizations and watchdog groups could care less about their mission statements and the people they claim to protect. Their jobs are to keep the controversial issue in the news as much as possible so that more people will donate money and their organization can grow. Instead of spending all this time and money trying to get Seth MacFarlane and RJ Reynolds to advertise against themselves, why not spend it on developing better alternatives?

That money could be better spent paying the bigger actors and actresses to do more family friendly programming. If they really cared about children and families, they would be spending less time worrying about indecent programming on television and more time trying to get increasingly obese families up from in front of the television and outside where they could be active for a change. It just seems that creating a safe television environment for families is like mandating environmentally safe areas for parents and children to smokes cigarettes together!

White Collar, California Prostitution

"Annie's 12 years old
In two more she'll be a whore
Nobody ever told her
It's the wrong way...

The only family that she's ever had
Is her seven horny brothers and a drunk-ass dad
He needed money so he put her on the street
Everything was goin' fine till the day she met me!"
"Wrong Way," by Sublime

This morning, I happened across the Bonnie Hunt Show which featured five-year-old singing sensation Kaitlyn Maher. Kaitlyn proudly stood in front of the audience, cameras, and bright lights in her cute little Christmas dress singing Avè Maria and having what I call eye sex with the American public. All the while her parents stood backstage counting their hard-earned money and feeling proud how well their little angel was batting her eyes just like they taught her! From what I understand, she was a contestant on "America's Got Talent" and her debut album is in stores now.

This young girl is five years old and her parents have her on national television selling albums. Something like that has to make the parents of 12-year-old prostitutes think, "Damn, that is some sick shit!" There is no better way to describe this sort of behavior than prostitution. I actually think the parents whose kids work the streets might be a little more respectable because they're at least honest enough to admit they are in fact awful parents. That might sound bizarre and maybe far-fetched, but I'm the type of guy that only gives money to the homeless people with the signs, "I'm not going to lie. It's for the beer." Now granted, forcing your daughter to have sex with strangers is a sin more awful than can ever be explained, but you have to remember that the betrayal is much more detrimental than the sex with the strangers. After that betrayal by somebody that is supposed to love and take care of you, those young girls are dead inside before they even set foot on the street or step in front of that camera.

As the Michael Jackson fiasco finally slows down, before a family member tries to sell the body, have we not learned anything? Then when you consider the list of child celebrities like Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Danny Bonaduce, Dustin Diamond, Jean Bennett Ramsey, and most notably Robert Blake and Tiger Woods, it seems less like the “A-list” and more like a daily court room docket! I would also like the note the "Dishonorable Mentions" listed on Listserv.com.

Corey Haim (Valium addiction), Corey Feldman (arrested for cocaine and heroin possession), Drew Barrymore (entered alcohol and drug rehab at age 13), Jodie Sweetin (former “Full House” star; crystal meth addiction), Adam Rich (former “Eight Is Enough” star; arrested for stealing prescription drugs from a pharmacy), Eddie Furlong (cocaine addiction; arrested drunkenly trying to free lobsters from a tank), Gary Coleman (pleaded no contest to hitting an autograph seeker) and Macauley Culkin (arrested for possession of marijuana and prescription pills)

Meth, heroin, cocaine, Valium, highly publicized infidelity (not to mention screwing away hundreds of millions of dollars on skanks and porn stars), untimely death from "unclear circumstances," and felony/misdemeanor convictions for such crimes as drug possession, assault, and murder! No parent admittedly wants this future for their children, but with all of these terrible examples parents still doll up their children, teach them how to smile real big, put a microphone in their hands, and place them in front of the camera while they blow their pride and joy’s future rehab money on whatever material things they can get their hands on. It should be noted that the money is always gone before their beloved meal ticket cracks under the pressure and slips out of the altered-ego of an 8-year-old adult and back into the mind of a child. Except that these children, who are forced to grow up at age 5 get to experience adult consequences for childhood mistakes. If you have a second, I suggest following this link: http://listverse.com/2009/04/19/top-10-child-stars-gone-bad/ and get a few more details about how America's favorite children ended up.

Though little Kaitlyn Maher was quite adorable, her singing really wasn’t too remarkable. It was just a sad example of trash getting the 15 minutes they feel they’re entitled at the cost of their five-year-old daughter. I’m hopeful that the American public has grown tired enough of parents who use Hollywood to pimp out their children and little Kaitlyn’s album flops. At that point Kaitlyn’s parent might realize what fools they are and can take their daughter back home to resume her childhood. Every adult knows only so well that as soon as you start taking on adult responsibilities, you begin to long for those days as an innocent child. Why would anybody want to force their child out of that little slice of heaven?

"Anyone who hurts a child would be better off if he had a rock tied around his neck and cast into the sea" ...Jesus Christ

YouTube of the Day

This is classic!

Help me, "Ben Johnson." You're my only hope...

Today I received a voice mail that changed my life. A very foreign sounding Ben Johnson, from California, called me to warn me about upcoming troubles! It turns out that I took out a payday loan from Money Services International of California and I opted against paying those fine folks back the money I borrowed and a substantial amount of interest. I inquired as to what city in California, but his California/surfs up accent was so strong that I couldn't make out what he was saying. There must be a location in California where the residents all have accents as if they were from India...

My new friend Ben was calling me as a representative of "federal government" to offer me a chance to pay back this defaulted loan immediately before the computer system downloads my file on Monday morning and a law suit will be filed against me in "federal court of California." The problem is that I don't remember taking out such a payday loan so I told Mr. Johnson, that I was going to need the phone number of this Money Services International. Ben was very helpful and gladly gave me the phone number and my reference number, but asked if I could call him back to make the payment because he would get a commission. "We all know how tough it is with this economy," he said.

So, I called the phone number and spoke to a Mr. Sean Taylor. He too had the same Calcutta, California accent. I wondered if he knew my friend Ben! Here is where it gets confusing. I told Sean that I needed the specifics of the loan that I forgot acquiring. He told me that I needed to call such and such phone number to talk to Money Services International. They were the ones that had all the information.

"But wait," I started, "this is supposed to be the number for Money Services International. Come to think of it, the number you gave me is the number for my good friend Ben Johnson. Hey, so you do know Ben!"

"You don't want to be deadbeat right? I'd pay the money now before they file suit against you in federal court of California when the files get updated on Monday morning."

"Now are we talking about Monday morning in Calcutta or at federal court of California?"

"What? Calcutta? I'm in California."

"Really? Because there is a delay in this conversation, almost as if you're overseas. I thought you and Ben worked for federal government... You know what? I don't want to be deadbeat, so I'm going to pay the money to make this go away. I just need a name and an address and I will put a cashier's check in the mail tomorrow morning... Hello?... Hello?"

Since I lost communication, I called him back only to hear, "son of bitch, mother fucker! Don't call back!"

"But how can I pay you then?"

As I finished the call, a young women sitting next to me seemed incredibly curious, so I explained what was happening. She looked very sympathetic as she said "that is so terrible that there isn't enough money over there that they have to resort to conning and stealing from Americans."

As a result of this incident, I've got four angry thoughts fighting for attention. First, how stupid is this dumb young woman? Second, they knew my social security number, so I'm going to have to apply for a new social, new license, new credit cards, and new bank account numbers. Third, criminals wouldn't be going to all this trouble if this scam didn't work enough to make a substantial profit. Finally, even though there are portions of India that are quite poor, that doesn't give anybody the right to steal! Especially with identity theft, the wealthy can afford identity theft protection so the victims of these crimes have the same financial circumstances as their perpetrators.

There was only one noble thief and that was Robin Hood. He actually stole from the rich and gave to the poor. That was also a fantasy! Do you know why car insurance is so high on Honda Civics? It turns out that Honda Civics are the most valuable car that is easy enough to steal, chop, and redistribute without to much overhead and education; not Lexus, BMW, or Mercedes but Honda Civics. The best targets for pickpockets are upper lower to lower middle class people because they carry more cash and fewer credit cards. Wall Street is a safer place to carry a wallet than Main Street. There is no stealing from the rich, it's the less-fortunate stealing from the slightly less, less-fortunate.

I think the reason that stealing is such a natural transition to violence is because when the thief inevitably becomes the victim, the massive dose of irony is so hard to swallow that they are overcome with anger and hostility. It's times like these that I can't help but think of life as some sort of vicious cycle and it absolutely kills me to feel that way. Sometimes it seems life is this collection of downward spirals with the key being that you jump from downward spiral to downward spiral as quickly as you can before you get sucked in for good. That's no way to live, but how do you rise above them?

But if I go to hell well then I hope I burn well. I'll spend my days with JFK, Marvin Gaye, Martha Ray, and Lawrence Welk and Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain, and Jimi Hendrix, Poltergeist... and Webster, yeah, Emmanuel Lewis 'cause he's the Antichrist.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire... Burn, mother *&#!?, burn!

Jimmy "Pop" Ali

Save the Date: 2011 Halloween Party!

Every single one of you are cordially invited to my 2011 Halloween party. Why 2011? Well, to the best of my mathematical abilities, I should hit my goal weight of 245 pounds (for a total weight loss of 265 pounds) around the 31st of October, 2011.

I weigh myself every day and I use Excel to keep my daily record. I use that data to know such things as the 7-day average of my weight and my daily average weight loss. The 7-day average is very helpful because it is more stable. My weight will oscillate 2 to 3 pounds in any given direction from day to day, but the average condenses those numbers into a more stable measure of my weight and weight loss!

My daily weight loss average, .18 pounds per day over the last 2 years, is a fairly useless number except that I can use it to project when I will hit my goal weight. When I first started losing weight, I was going to hit my goal weight in 13 months, but as my weight loss naturally slowed my projected date was obviously extended. Currently, S-Day or Sexy-Day has been hovering at Oct. 31, 2011 for a month and a half now.

So for the Halloween party, I'm going as a boxer. Trunks, gloves and no shirt, in public, for the first time since I was probably 10 years old! It feels so incredible to be developing this incredible body and I can't wait to share it with all of my supporters. I will hit this mark, as God is my witness, I will hit 245; naturally!

Once again, Halloween 2011, It will be the first time that I have my shirt off in public and people aren't begging me to put my "man boobs" away and my shirt back on! I can feel that day getting closer. I more excited than words can describe!

Quick thoughts...

I love crossing things off my list. Especially when the most work involved was making the mark...

Living the un-Apple lifestyle

In today's society of instantaneous, worldwide communication, companies can't afford poor customer service. Word of mouth advertising is crucial to any popular product's development and marketing agenda. The risk with this marketing strategy is that the consuming public can use their global communication tools to tell the world how dissatisfied they are with a company or product. I'm sad to say that I am now one of those people.

I bought my iPhone 3G about 6 or 7 months ago and I absolutely loved it! I thought it was so great that I bought the Applecare extended service plan so that I would never have to go back to my old phone. My iPhone was my life. I had the email program set up to keep me up-to-date on my personal and school email. I tracked my calories, stayed current with my fantasy football teams, and tracked pending transactions in my checking account. Hell, I could even set up a wire transfer from my phone! Oh, and did I mention that it plays music too? I was so satisfied with this product that I was trying to figure out how to upgrade to the 3G S and I had plans to replace my desk machine and laptop with Apples while I could get the college student discounted price. I bought the "iLife" hook, line, and sinker!

Last week, I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket only to discover a crack in the screen. I hadn't dropped it and there was nothing else in my pocket. The screen hadn't shattered, but these cracks started branching out. I would say that maybe 5 percent of the screen was cracked. I was pretty upset, but very thankful I purchased the Applecare warranty. I called AT&T and was pleased to find out that the phone had a 1 year warranty which wasn't up, so I didn't even need the extended package. The nice lady over the phone suggested that I take the phone to an Apple store so that I didn't have to be without a phone for a few days. They would look at my phone and replace it on the spot.

Yesterday was my appointment so I drove 22 miles from Avon to Keystone and waited an hour for service. As I was waiting my turn at the genius bar, I started to evaluate my surroundings. This store was just one big flashy marketing campaign. All the employees were these hip and trendy, well dressed twenty somethings. Billboard's Top 50 was blaring throughout the store and there were plasma screens everywhere playing Apple commercials that informed this anxious, excited public of all the cool things you can do with a Mac! That's when I realized that I was hosed.

I started thinking about all the commercials with Drew Barrymore's boyfriend and this meticulously crafted placement and decorating campaign when it hit me. Ferrari doesn't advertise because they don't have to. When companies have to go above and beyond to market their already popular products, it's because they constantly have to replace all the unsatisfied customers they are losing. Hyundai and Kia offer ten year warranties on their cars to beat down the public's perception of poor quality. That also means that they are confident enough with their product that they can afford that service. If this broken screen isn't covered, then this must be happening all the time.

It was as this thought rang through my head that the iTech took one look at my phone and said, "yep, it needs a new display. It's going to cost you 200 bucks."

"It's okay, I bought this Applecare package because I figured this would happen."

"Yeah, that doesn't cover accidental damage like dropping the phone."

"Oh, I didn't drop it. I pulled it out of my pocket and it was like this."

"Sorry, it isn't going to be covered."

"In the last hour, I've seen 6 people bring their broken phones in here because they dropped it. Every single one had the screen completely shattered. Like 90 percent of the screen. So then how did I "drop" mine and the display not shatter? We're talking less that 5 percent here."

"Sir, we don't make that distinction. So, would you like me to replace the display or give you a replacement phone?"

"You know, I've already paid $200 for this phone, not to mention for all the apps and whatnot, I'm not going to pay another dime. I think I'll just go back to my old phone."

Another iTech standing beside him interjected, "I'm sorry you're so unhappy."

I replied, "Actually, I'm not. From the looks of things, this iLife I was considering is going to be pretty expensive. So this experience is actually going to save me money because I will never buy an Apple product ever again." So, I got in the car, drove the 22 miles back to Avon, walked down to the basement, and pulled my Samsung Blackjack 2 out of storage. I charged it up and transferred the information. It actually took me less that an hour!

So now, the iDream is over. I'm going to have to be more careful with my checkbook since I can't see the pending transactions and my calorie tracking in now a little notepad, a pen, and my pocket calorie content handbook. I'm going to keep buying PC's at full price and carry three or four devices to manage my needs because I would much rather be seen as a mindless PC follower that knowingly buys defective/imperfect equipment than to be seen as a sucker or a trick. You only get one chance to make a lasting impression, and as far as I'm concerned, Apple blew it!

Un-Thanksgiving?

I used to listen to Sean Hannity's radio show and I recall he used to make fun of a certain staff member that he called Flipper. This young woman, Flipper, was a vegetarian, so she would get excited about Thanksgiving for the "Tofu-rkey" they had every year. I just assumed that Flipper was this crazy, vegan, hippie young woman that probably didn't bathe properly, so I enjoyed her berating.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I just can't seem to get psyched about it. Last year, our family had multiple feasts, on multiple dates, at different locations around the state. Also, every Thanksgiving, including the one previous, I would count down the days to the turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Thanksgiving used to be my Christmas because it was an opportunity to pig out all day on my absolute favorite foods!

This year, it just doesn't even sound good. Maybe those 10,000 hours of healthy living habits have come a little earlier than I thought. I'm don't even plan on spotting myself extra calories tomorrow and I think I might be able to get in a work-out before we leave town.

1.) I was really in a bad place if gorging on starches and belittling vegetarians was what I took so much pleasure.
2.)Does anybody know where I could purchase a "Tofu-rkey"?!?!

700 days and counting...

"Life's a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Don't worry 'bout the parts that you don't know. Life's a dance you learn it as you go..." John Michael Montgomery

700 days ago, I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem. At that point in my life, I was so ill that I didn't even realize the 300 pound sack I was carrying on my back, how disheveled I had become, or how I was living in a self-produced landfill, by choice! I will never, ever forget the horror when I stood on a specially manufactured scale, 700 days ago, and saw the numbers 504 pounds flash before my eyes. It was like I was run over by the reality bus!

They says that it takes 10,000 hours to become a professional at something. If I'm spending at least 12 hours a day (gotta sleep sometime) practicing the healthier living techniques that I'm constantly learning then I should be able to consider myself a pro in 833 calendar days. I'm excited to see what that is going to look like!

The thing that I'm most proud of is that all of this work was done without any smoke or mirrors. I've had zero surgeries and the one and only diet I've used is that silly, little food guide pyramid that I learned about in the fourth or fifth grade. Had I taken that scheme to heart then, I might not hurt in my knees, hips, upper back, lower back and feet. I'll admit that I do complain about the exercise a little much, but I have honestly enjoyed every second of this arduous task and am truly excited to see what tomorrow has in store.

Saturday's Correspondence: The Dating World

As many of you know from reading my blog, I've had my fair share of bad, depressing issues and experiences with dating and am incredibly relieved to be experiencing some of the better aspects of the dating world. A handful of my close friends have recently complained of their struggles in finding Mr./Mrs. Right and my nieces are in the process of entering this very ominous world, so I thought I would start my "Saturday's Correspondence" with a letter to the dating community...

Dear dating community,

Dating, falling in and out of love, and finding and losing companionship almost cost me my life! Since my late elementary school interest in girls, I’ve always used love, or the dream of love, as a way to hide the bad wiring in my brain, which in turn made me the quarter-ton man that I was. I actually thought that love could fix all problems. “All you need is love,” right? I even got to the point that when women stopped loving me, I would actually love them more to make up for the deficit. I can now admit that this vicious cycle became so awful that it caused me to weigh the value of my own life on a number of occasions, followed by the indescribable hell of deciding if I had the nerve to put my pain to an ultimate end.

That said, I have loved and still love dating, especially first dates. There is nothing better than meeting a person on some intimate level and having the opportunity to share a little piece of you with someone else. It is an opportunity to sell yourself, learn new and interesting things, and share thoughts and feelings that wouldn’t normally be shared in a group setting. Because so much information is being exchanged, every date is an incredible opportunity to learn something new about yourself. There is nothing more refreshing than shining a light on some aspect of your identity which puts you one step closer to definitively stating who you are as an individual.

With my love for the "art of seduction" in mind, I have to say that I’m a big fan of yours! You have so many incredible qualities that make you special. Because of my “fan-ness,” it would mean so much to see you find happiness. You see, I have a great deal of experience in this department because both my parents could be considered “serial-re-marriers!” Somewhere along the line, my parents lost sight of the emotional driving force behind their instinct for companionship. I think something happened to each of them that caused them to date in an attempt to fill self-perceived holes in their individual identities. At that point, they dated and married in an attempt to make themselves whole, which just doesn’t work. The only person that can fill the “holes in your soul (Aerosmith)” is you!

So, in dating, one should be more interested in finding someone that is a compliment to their existing life instead of somebody to make their life complete. Because if you date for the latter, you aren’t being fair to the person you’re seeing and more importantly, yourself. If you’re dating to compliment, instead of complete, it is going to be much easier to find that sufficient somebody and increase your chances of making the relationship work.

Now granted, there are a lot of duds out there and I would never suggest settling for anybody. Instead of seeing this as a chore, see it as an opportunity to expand your horizons. You have the opportunity to share your true self with a number of different people. This opportunity can be emotionally fulfilling and tremendously gratifying. It isn’t until you start sharing something with other people that you can determine its true value. Even though this transaction is so fulfilling, you must always be mindful of people that try to take less than they offer. Don’t take this personally; just know that it’s one of the driving forces behind the human experience and something that only you can control!

A concept that used to terrify me was the idea that every time you have an intimate moment with someone (doesn’t have to be sexually) that you leave a piece of yourself with that person, as they do with you. What I also didn’t realize at that time is that you don’t always need a partner to find intimacy. It turns out the most common form of intimacy is what we’ll call personal intimacy. Now, I’m not talking masturbation here, but if you stop and think, you experience intimate moments almost every day! The Buddhists call this moment nirvana, or an escape from suffering. Nirvana is that moment when your mind, body, and soul are completely at one and happens to be the ultimate goal of Buddhism. Through my education on Buddhism, I understood nirvana to be this ultimate life goal through meditation, but I was wrong. You don’t practice meditation in an attempt to bring your soul into alignment, but to heighten your awareness to a point that you have the ability to recognize those moments of nirvana in your daily life. Also, when you become aware of this flash of personal intimacy, how long can you live in that single moment of joy and ecstasy. Personal intimacy (nirvana) can come from playing or even listening to a piece of music, from creating art, from getting a good grade or positive performance evaluation, from meeting a goal, or from resting your head on your pillow with the belief that you did your absolute best!

I used to believe that if intimacy left parts of me behind, that I could actually give so much of myself that eventually there wouldn’t be anything left of me to share; the prostitute/porn star effect. My life got so out of control because I was only aware of partnered intimacy and I felt that every tiny piece of my soul was costing me increasingly more than I could afford. So, I closed off my heart, walled up my apartment with newspapers and pizza boxes, and shared the only aspect of intimacy that I had left, food and alcohol, with the only person I thought I could trust.

What I have learned from later experiences and reflections on those dark, dark days absolutely blew my mind. Who you are has nothing to do with how much of your soul you have left, but an evaluation of where and how much of your identity that you’ve left behind. It isn’t about what is inside of you, but of the circumstances surrounding those moments of nirvana and how long you managed to live in those particular moments. Now, living in one particular moment for too long can be detrimental, just ask the 40-year-old, self-proclaimed high school hero, but that is a different discussion for a different day.

In all aspects of life, including dating, you must remember that the only person that can love you indiscriminately is yourself. After that, everything and everybody else is just icing on the cake.

“Your best friend is you. I’m my best friend too. We share the same views and hardly ever argue. Eat spam from a can, watch late night C-SPAN, and rock out to old school Duran, Duran!” Jimmy “Pop” Ali; the Bloodhound Gang

Expressions like “love at first sight” or “fall head over heels in love” are expressions used by people that are trying to hide their perceived faults and insecurities with the companionship of another person. Take it from a self-professed, chronic “love at first sight” guy. People fall immediately in love when they don’t have love for themselves. I used see a lot of truth behind the expression, “behind every great man is a greater woman that supports him.” I thought that if a woman that I loved and respected was holding on to one of my hands, that I could successfully reach for the stars with the other. I’ve said it before, but what I’ve come to discover is that if you first find your star and tightly grasp it with both hands, then you soul’s compliment will be the person that just so happens to be tightly grasping that very same star!

Best wishes and enjoy the journey,

Andy

Maybe the world does revolve around me...

Did Oprah resign from television because of my twisted dreams of she, Jenna Jameson, and myself? I don't know whether to be flattered or hurt!

Absolutely Twisted

So, I was working out this afternoon and as I was riding the exercise bike I was pleasantly surprised to see Jenna Jameson on the TV in front of me. I was a little surprised to see her on TV in the middle of the afternoon, in a public place no less, but I wasn't about to complain. I will admit that I'm a big fan of her work and seeing her allowed my mind to wander though her previous works and in my mind I was even in a scene or two! So, Jenna and I were gettin' to it right there in the gym when Oprah Winfrey entered my fantasy! What the hell? Oprah Winfrey?

It turns out I was watching Oprah interviewing Jenna Jameson. Based on the fantasy I was having and the entrance of Oprah into the scene, I now have a very sick and twisted mental picture of them both! So now, I'm sad to say that Mrs. Jameson's movies are officially a turn-OFF for me now. Oprah never turned me on, but she is synonymous with so many people that whenever I see Tom Cruise, Dr. Phil, or President Obama, to name a few, all I'm going to think about is Jenna Jameson, Oprah Winfrey, and myself getting twistedly "freaky deaky."

With this new development I can guarantee that you won't find me watching HBO, any news station, or daytime TV in general! On a positive note, I do need to be reading more, but at what cost?

Unbelievable game!

Holy Shit! Thanks to Tivo, I got a workout in before watching the Colts. At 1am, I have never silently, screamed so loud in my whole entire life! There was some jumping on soft furniture, silent screaming, and I have no air left in my lungs! No queens or princesses were awakened in my celebration. I need oxygen and some Xanex to be able to sleep tonight...

That loud thud that was heard around the world was Bill Belichick's ego catching a Peyton Manning haymaker that put him down for the count! Maybe you don't have the Colts' number after all Mr. Belichick...

A facebook status I'd like to share

Andy Ashby is astounded beyond belief that his girlfriend makes her own whipped cream from scratch for her morning coffee! I consider myself fairly handy around the kitchen and my breakfast consists of fruit loops or raisin bran, protein shake (powder and water), and pop tarts. I'm over here rubbing two sticks together to get warm and she's got a 200,000 BTU jet furnace with a massage recliner and plasma screen TV...

Family Guy IS a way of life...

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Wacky, Waving, Inflatable, Arm Flailing Tube Men!

Break it down!

Our families' Hollywood debut!

So, my princess took her first step towards fame and stardom as she wrote, produced, directed, edited, and provided the voice-overs for this dramatic short that is sure to take cyberspace by storm!

My queen and I have watched this 15 to 20 times already. Enjoy!!!

H1N1... wouldn't want to be one!

A very big part of fraternity life are the drunken' songs and slogans you make up for rival fraternities. For the FIJI's, we would chant, "F...1...J...1... wouldn't want to be one!" Now after experiencing the agony of my brain baking I can honestly say, "H...1...N...1... wouldn't want to be one!" That's right, I had to get my queen to drive me to the doctor last night after a 5 degree fever spike in a matter of 3 hours. The doctor's examination was about 5 minutes tops and I got a cool surgical mask for my troubles! I was so sick by the time I arrived that I could figure out how to tie it around my head!

I will say that though it isn't the epidemic designed to kill 80% of the world as is emphasized on TV, it was and still is, some kind of awful! I can absolutely see how somebody could die from something like that because I went from thinking I had a cold to a 101.5 degree fever (my normal temperature is 97.2 degrees) in a handful of hours. I couldn't move without pain. I couldn't sit still without pain. I lost my cognitive abilities and had the worst headache ever. I'm telling you, I could actually feel my brain throbbing while it was baking!

I feel that the moral of this story is to always listen to your wife or girlfriend. My queen has been on me for the last few weeks about getting the vaccine and I didn't take it as seriously as she did. I felt about two inches big when I had to call her and ask,"when are you going to be home? Cause I need you to drive me to the immediate care place..." So, in light of this, I'm going to take the political way out:

Why didn't anybody warm me about this H1N1 thing going around? I could have been killed! Had I known of the severity, I would have stood in line for a vaccine a long time ago...

That's right, I'm passing the buck! On top of that, I can get away with it because I'm sick!

You would think he would know to leave a note...

After an incredible workout, I walked outside and couldn't find my car. The car I was driving has a very distinctive front end and it was nowhere to be found. I finally find my vehicle, walk to it, and was absolutely flabbergasted to find this:

There is no way he didn't know he hit me because when I took my car out of park, our compressed bumpers hurled my car back a good 5 to 6 feet!

This almost makes me as mad as when I slow down on the interstate because a police car is flying up behind me, only to see him pass me wearing plain clothes, a baseball cap, and sunglasses with his uniform hanging in the back seat! I once remember somebody wearing a similar uniform tell me that, "Getting to work on time is not a legitimate reason to break the law." Along with that worthwhile piece of advice, he gave me a speeding ticket costing me $180.

Can we as concerned citizens write police officers hypocrisy tickets?

Rush Limbaugh vs. the St. Louis Rams

The St. Louis Rams are in trouble. Since their Super Bowl victory, the only thing they've been consistent at is getting worse; game by game and year by year. As the team continues with their "commitment to excellence," the chatter around the NFL is getting louder and louder and it seems there is a constantly increasing chance that the Rams are going to move back to Los Angeles. So as the moving trucks start fueling for a move from St. Louis to the coast, Missouri native Rush Limbaugh enters the fold with a group of investors that are willing to buy the team and keep them in Missouri.

As soon as word broke out, the players association started circling the wagons and ABC/ESPN went back to work painting Mr. Limbaugh as racist and a bigot for what he had previously said about Donovan McNabb. Then Rams players started coming out against Limbaugh and claiming that they wouldn't play for him which got me thinking...

Is the current Rams' ownership a bunch of racists and bigots as well, because the St. Louis Rams haven't won a game this season. What are they talking about not playing for Limbaugh when they aren't playing football now; five games into the season?

I honestly hope the Limbaugh venture fails and the team moves to Los Angeles, so that the Rams' players and the NFL players association will have to pay for their stupidity and incompetence with cold hard cash. ESPN Radio host Colin Cowherd actually turned me on this concept which has completely changed the way I see the free agent market in professional sports. Are you ready for this? When these get their first paychecks from the Los Angeles Rams, the first thing that they are going to notice is that it is smaller than it was in Missouri. And as they adjust their spending because of this diminished income they are going to be even more stunned when tax time comes and they owe "Uncle Sam" more money!

How could this be? Well, it's because the marginal tax rate in California, for salaries over 1 million dollars is 10.55 percent! That is a dramatic difference from the 6 percent marginal tax rate in the state of Missouri. Also, any California resident will tell you that the taxes that they pay to the state of California are not deductible on their federal taxes, while Missouri residents get to deduct every single penny. So instead of deducting the money that they paid in state income taxes, they are going to have to pay federal taxes on every single dollar that they pay in high state taxes..

What does this mean? It means that all players making the median income in the National Football League, $740,000, are going to see their state net effective tax rate increase by 58 percent or $26,000. Players making over a million dollars will see their net effective tax rate increase by 76 percent or at least $46,000. Now you might think it doesn't matter because they are all millionaires, but you have to remember that the league minimum is $285,000 and the average career in the NFL is somewhere around 3 and a half years.

So, are these NFL players ready to put their money where their mouths are? Are they going to see ESPN fueling the fire for what it seems or is it because that ABC/ESPN is trying to distance themselves from catching any sort of heat for hiring Limbaugh in the first place? Rush Limbaugh is a controversial figure; so much so that half of the country can't stand him. That said, what did ESPN really think they were getting? Finally, I think that the St. Louis Rams should actually win a game or two before they start saying who they'll play for and who they won't.

As far as moving to Los Angeles is concerned, I think they should leave the decision up to running back Steven Jackson, because the moving is going to cost him just over a half a million dollars a year! Now, I don't think the Los Angeles Rams players and staff are going to have to shop at Aldi's after the move, but it will affect their lives. So much so that it could be the difference between affording six top dollar cars instead of seven. To "Joe the Plumber," that sounds ridiculous, but to a poorly educated professional athlete, it might be what keeps him for being a happy employee and in all businesses an unhappy workforce produces poor results. Thus continuing the Rams' "commitment to excellence" while adding a new level of disgust to another major NFL market.

As a Colts fan, I'd suggest not hiring Mayflower for your move to the coast...

Peace at what cost?

One of the major slogans during President Obama's run for the White House was that," a vote for Obama is a vote against Bush." So did this message travel all the way across the Atlantic Ocean to the Nobel selection committee?

Saints and heroes such as Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King, Jr. had to devote their whole lives to peace and they managed to be quite successful without ever putting their name on a ballot. I have a real problem with any politician that is currently holding office to receive the world's most prestigious honor for peace, because I strongly believe that the only politicians that don't have dirt on their hands are the ones that have never held public office. Power and fame corrupt. It's just part of the human condition. Which is why I feel that no active politician should receive such an award.

President Carter dedicated his life after the White House to helping those less fortunate through his tireless work with Habitat for Humanity; completely isolated for his Presidency. There is no way you can honor somebodies commitment to peace while the the fundamental principle of their elected office is to defend this country from foreign aggressors. There is a war ongoing on two fronts of combat and people have been killed under the Obama administration and due to the "War on Terror," more deaths will follow.

Though I congratulate the President on such a prestigious award, I think that the Nobel committee would have made a much stronger statement by not awarding the prize if there were no suitable candidates. One thing that I'm finally learning in life is that in most situations there will never be a winner, but what's most important is how you play the game.

Put your hands together for the Fever!

I was absolutely heartbroken to watch our Indiana Fever lose in game 5 of the WNBA title. This was my first WNBA game and it was THE best basketball game that I've ever watched! I know that guarantees aren't a good idea in sports, but I can guarantee that I will be at our Fever's first home game next season ready to scream my butt off!

The Indiana Fever were great competitors and excellent representatives of the state of Indiana, specifically the city of Indianapolis. They should return home with their heads held high because they without a doubt put forth 110 percent effort and that's all even the best human being can do.

Since I am a "Johnny-come-lately," I can't say thank you for the memories. But I will say I can't wait to watch our Fever make more memories for many years to come!

So Is God Listed Under the "G"s?

Do Christians really need their own phonebook?

Are there listings for synagogues in the Christian phonebook?

What would Jesus think about the Christian phonebook?

Is Jesus' listed under "J" for Jesus or "C" for Christ?

Colts win!

I'm so excited about the Colts Monday night win that I can't sleep! The Colts offense had the ball for only 14 minutes and they still managed to "Squish the Fish" before the final whistle blew!

I'm sure tomorrow morning, everybody who knows anything is going to say that their defense was awful, but I want to get ahead of this and adamantly disagree. The object of any defense is to keep the offense from scoring, which they did quite well. Of all of the rushing yards they gave up, they only allowed 2 touchdowns and the Colts offense started the game 7 points ahead after the 12 second Peyton Manning, patent-pending, one play drive to. After the first 12 seconds, it was the Colts' game to lose and they held their ground.

A few Colts fans that I've talked to this evening were complaining about how much they hate this "bend, but don't break" defense. Really? Ask Bill Belichick up in New England how that style of defense worked for him. The reality is that if you enjoy seeing Peyton Manning, with fantastic protection, throw Leonardo caliber passes to future hall of famers, then you need to appreciate the defense for what it is because these guys don't play for free. It is a general theory in football that "defense wins championships." With hall of famers like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, it is more like "defense can keep you from winning championships."

We've got what we've got and I think it's pretty good. The defense that can't stop the run now has wins against Maurice Jones-Drew AND the two headed, wildcat machine. Not too bad of a start for the 2009-2010 Indianapolis Colts. I know I'm going to tune in next week!

"A win, is a win, is a win!"

A Step Back?

On the evening of July 16th, 1999, a luxury aircraft piloted by John F. Kennedy, Jr. crashed into the Atlantic Ocean shortly after take-off. Tragically, the accident killed John, Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette. According to the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB), Kennedy, Jr. was at fault because he hadn't logged all of the hours required to receive his pilot's license. In this incident, the pilot lacked the training needed for flying at night, but nonetheless ventured out on the night of the 16th. According to the NTSB, Kennedy crashed due to a phenomenon known as spacial disorientation. When flying at night over open water, pilots can become disoriented. Their instincts tell them that they are flying upside down and steer to correct even though their instruments indicate they are flying level and right side up. They believe that their instruments have failed, when in fact their eyes have failed, and they fly the plane straight into the water below.

When this tragedy occurred, I found the whole thing to be very peculiar. How could one's senses deceive them so much and in that event, why wouldn't you trust your instruments? Instruments were developed because we as humans are flawed. Instruments are the means of impartially telling us how we're doing, where we are, or where we are going. As I've endeavored on this life improvement journey, the scale in my bathroom is my best barometer of my performance in my life and a fantastic indicator of my future.

I purchased an iPhone six or seven months ago and I'm satisfied beyond words. The first app I put on my phone was the calorie tracker from livestrong.com. The app and website are both incredible! With livestrong in my pocket, I put the pencil and paper away and started tracking my calorie consumption digitally. I wanted to slow my weight loss so my skin didn't look like a ball of pizza dough, so I set my calorie level so that I would lose about a pound and a half a week. The most incredible thing was that I could use the app to track my activity as well. So, as I would burn calories through exercise, my phone was telling me I could eat more to stay at losing a pound and a half a week.

Before I knew it, I was using this new tool to get back to my old tricks. I'm embarrassed to say it was all about the food again. I gained back about 22 pounds in the last 8 months and it's clear that my behavior has changed. "If I ride the bike for an hour, then we can go to Olive Garden for supper... I'm absolutely exhausted and I'm going to hurt myself if I keep pushing, but ten more minutes and we can go for ice cream after supper," but why? Why do I feel the need to abuse myself?

The whole time that I was so sick I was functioning at 25 percent speed and I had fallen behind in so many aspects of my life. Now I'm struggling to catch back up. On top of this struggle, we've been working on remodeling the house, which isn't a small task. If that wasn't enough to impair my progress, for some reason I feel such a sense of obligation towards putting a smile on my little princess' face. She's been going through a really rough time these past few months and I just have this overwhelming urge to buy her a pony every time I see her beautiful eyes glaze over with concern and sorrow. Their pain is my pain. Their worries and fears are my worries and fears. All this and I can't even think of when I took a day for myself.

See, for some reason, I prefer to get caught up in other people's problems instead of dealing with my own. Instead of focusing on myself, I've been going bananas with worry about finishing the house because my queen is worrying about the house. It is easier to concentrate of making my princess smile than making myself smile. I've been so caught up in the feeling of responsibility for everyone around me that I had convinced myself that eating 4,300 calories a day was a good idea!

The good news in all of this is that even though I've gained 20 pounds, I've increased only one pant size because I was working out so much that those extra calories went to muscle, and believe me it went to muscle. My arms, legs, and abs are in incredible shape, but my flexibility has gone south. I stopped going to yoga because it was too slow and relaxing and "I just didn't have time for that shit!"

So, with shame in my heart, it's back to the KISS method (Keep It Simple Stupid)! It's back to a fixed number calories and the end of this flexible spending nonsense. I need to make it less about the food and more about myself! It's back to a variety of exercises with no consideration for Olive Garden, Dairy Queen, or any other place I have no business frequenting. It also seems that I'm not as emotionally advanced as I thought, so I think it's a good idea to get back into therapy. Finally, I need to have a little faith in myself and my loved ones that the world won't fall apart if I let them down off my shoulders, because holding them up there just isn't fair to anybody.

I thought that spacial disorientation was such a ridiculous concept, but it turns out that your instruments are only as good as what you want them to indicate. I was slowly working my way back to the ocean and I was actually proud, if not arrogant, of what I was doing. When I was in North Carolina, I would become flabbergasted after talking to some fellow "life improvers" because they had lost 60, then gained 40, then lost 120, but then gained 150, but this was the time they were going to be successful... How is this possible? It turns out that this sort of oscillation is just a part of the human condition that we all must endure, myself included. "It's not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up." This is what happens when you focus on the goal line instead of the next defender or when you start running to first base before you even hit the ball. Recovering addicts will say that "today is the first day of the rest of my life." Well, I happily embrace today so that tomorrow might be a brighter day.

I don't know what to say really. Three minutes till the biggest battle of
our professional lives. It all comes down to today. Now either we heal as a
team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play, till we're finished.
We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the
shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb
out of hell. One inch at a time.

Now I can't do it for you. I'm too old. I look around, I see these young
faces, and I think... I mean I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can
make. I pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's
ever loved me, and lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You
know when you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's part of life.
But you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life's this
game of inches. And so is football. Because in either game, life or football,
the margin for error is so small. I mean... one half a step too late or too
early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow too fast, you don't
quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in every
break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team, we fight for that
inch. On this team, we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for
that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when we
add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between
winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this - in any fight,
its the guy whose willing to die who's gonna win that inch. And I know if I'm
going to have any life anymore, it's because I'm still willing to fight and die
for that inch. Because that's what living is! The 6 inches in front of your
face...

A Line that Caught my Eye

"You can't break up with a chic with cancer, Larry!" --- Jeff, Curb Your Enthusiasm, 9/20/2009

The Battlefield of the 21st Century

After extensive research, I have figured out Al Qaeda's most recent method of terror. I have reason to believe they are trying to strike fear in our hearts by writing anti-American and anti-Israeli sentiments on the stalls of men's bathrooms in universities across the country!

What disappoints me about these attacks against our emotional well being, sense of nationalism, and feelings of safety is the individuals so revolted by these remarks that they can't help but defend this country's good name by responding, in kind, on a BATHROOM STALL! It makes me think of Jeff Foxworthy's classic routine, You Might be a Redneck:

If you feel compelled to climb to the top of a water tower with a can of
paint to defend your sister's honor, you might be a redneck!

I understand that the war on terror must be fought on many different fronts, but for god's sake, please leave our public bathrooms out of it! If you are one of those uber-patriotic people that can't help but respond, you might want to think about leaving all of your writing instruments, as well as all sharp objects, on the sink before you enter the stall. I know it might be difficult at first, but I know we can be better than this ...

Wow.... This shoe tastes like real leather!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm somewhat notorious for putting my foot in my mouth. I will give some of my classics a little later, but I really stepped in it yesterday.

So, I get to my classroom, put my bag under the desk, and then head to get a quick cup of coffee before I die (literally)! So, as I'm walking down the hall, two young men are walking towards me and I can't help but stare. One gentlemen was about 6 foot 3, while the other young man stood at say 5'-1". What I found so amazing, besides their incredible difference in height, is that they were both wearing the exact same suit! Black pants and coat, white shirt, black shoes, and this red and gold tie with stripes that ran from northwest to southeast.

They catch me staring so as not to be one of those rude people that stare and gawk, I blurted out he first thing that came to mind. I really wish I hadn't. "What? Are you two brothers or something? Because those are some great Jehovah's Witness uniforms you've got there." As soon as we passed, I dropped my shoulders and lowered my eyes to the ground and felt absolutely terrible about what I said.

After I worked my foot out of my mouth, I definitely needed coffee to wake me up and now to wash the taste of leather out of my mouth. I walked about 100 feet to the coffee counter, ordered my drink, and stood there waiting until I hear, "So, you're familiar with our teachings and our good works?" I turned around and the two gentlemen that I just finished laughing at were standing there with their pamphlets and books in hand and started trying to sell me on their teachings and beliefs.

I absolutely panicked, but luckily my drink was finished. The coffee lady handed me my drink, I took a big gulp, and then interrupted them mid-sentence. "Look fellas. There is absolutely nothing you could say to get me to trade in my truck for a bike and helmet and take up your cause, but...."

"Oh, you should never make a decision before you have all of the information and I know if we can talk to you for just....."

"But," I started again, "I feel really bad about making fun of you two (even though I was right) so I'm heading to class which is down this hall, up two flights of stairs, and down another hall. If you guys want to follow me to the doorway of my class then you can feel free to tell me whatever you want about your organization and your good works."

I figured it was the most polite way to tell them to leave me alone, and with that I walked in between the two gentlemen and started heading on my way. I get no more than two steps closer to my class and I start to hear these same two gentlemen speaking over my shoulder. I couldn't believe they were going to follow me, but I did give them that option so I just headed for class. I had to look like such an ass walking through the crowded halls drinking my caffeinated beverage (which is a no-no for Jehovah's Witnesses) as two well dressed young men walked and talked over my shoulder!

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut, or at least count to five before I speak extemporaneously!

"A Tale of Two...." Quarterbacks???

If you, or somebody close to you, follow sports, then you know that there are two NFL quarterbacks in the news right now. Together, these two men account for 13 trips to the Pro Bowl, 5 NFC player of the year honors, a Big East rookie of the year, a Big East offensive player of the year, one ESPY for being the best college football player, one ESPY for being the best NFL player, two Madden covers, an Associated Press Most Valuable Player award, and one Super Bowl title. What’s so interesting is that both of these men were drafted by the Atlanta Falcons, but one was the first overall pick in the draft while the other quarterback was drafted 33rd.

Though these two quarterbacks are currently sharing the spotlight, their stories couldn’t be more different. One was a collegiate superstar while the other wasn’t even known outside the state of Mississippi. One had the athleticism to run for a 20+ yard gain on any given snap while the other had to be one of the toughest players in the history of football to attain significantly less rushing yards. One man was the most prolific passer in the game, while the other has the third most rushing yards for a quarterback in the NFL. One player is black while the other is white. One of these men can’t stand the idea of leaving the game, while the other has no choice, but to play because he owes too many people too much money. One will be a first ballot hall of famer while the other is currently on parole from federal prison.

I’m willing to bet that you could walk into any sports bar or turn to any sports radio station and you’ll either hear heated conversation about Michael Vick or Brett Favre. You’ll have discussions about whether Vick deserves another chance and will he ever be as good as he was before prison or you’ll hear about whether Brett Favre should play for the Vikings or hang it up for good. Hiding in the shadows of the bar, you’ll notice a few guys arguing vehemently, but practically inaudibly. You’ll notice that they’re looking over their shoulders a little more than usual and they’re very careful not to let anybody else know what they’re discussing. As you get a little closer to their table, without being detected, you’ll start to hear a conversation with players like Vick AND Favre, Manning, Brady, and Vince Young.

Those folks are so careful as not to be overheard because they’ve moved past the “X’s and O’s.” They aren’t talking about slant routes, post routes, dives, or counters. They are trying to delicately discuss the best “color” for a quarterback in the NFL. That’s right, they’re talking about race. Is there a difference between black quarterbacks and white quarterbacks? Why aren’t there many black quarterbacks in the hall of fame and why has only one African American quarterback won a Super Bowl? They’ll use IQ scores to insist that white quarterbacks are smarter and have better field presence. Many times, sports fans attempt to talk as if they aren’t talking about race by saying that pocket passers are more successful than quarterbacks that like to scramble out of the pocket.

I can understand why many can look at the success of white quarterbacks in the NFL and generalize, but they would be wrong. My problem is that I have no way to prove it. In following his career and watching him play when I can, I strongly believe that Michael Vick is the best quarterback to play the position, but his numbers will never bear that out. His completion percentage is no good, his touchdown to interception ratio is dreadful, no NFC titles to his credit, no Super Bowl titles, he’s now a convicted felon; but he is the most exciting player on the football field. He’s faster and stronger than 99 percent of the quarterbacks in the NFL, but felony or not, I would never put him on my roster if I were the general manager of a football team.

I feel that there is a better explanation than race. I believe it’s because no teenager really knows how to be a hero, let alone a professional hero. See, in high school and college football, skill isn’t as important as natural ability. If you’re a high school or college star, you’re one of the fastest, strongest players on the field. When a friend in high school was being scouted by colleges they just wanted to know two things: how fast he could run and what he looked like with his shirt off. They didn’t care about his tackles, sacks, or what he did on game film, but could he fill a roll.

See, the best team in college football is inferior, talent wise, to the worst team in the NFL. NFL receivers are better, their blockers are stronger, and their defenders are faster. I would venture to say that Brett Favre couldn’t quarterback any NCAA top 25 team to a national title. He wouldn’t have anybody to block long enough for him to get set and there are no receivers capable enough to catch the bullets that he throws. So, colleges recruit the fastest kids they can find for the quarterback position and if they can outrun the linebackers, then they’re going to a bowl game. Why does this happen? Because Division I coaches and athletic directors have absolutely no interest in developing talented quarterbacks. So, they recruit talent like Michael Vick and Vince Young, market the hell out of them, and them set them free in front of millions of TV viewers around the world and expect them to perform.

All the while, the next Brett Favre is getting the hell beaten out of him at Southern Mississippi, in front of a few thousand fans, as he learns how to fight to .500 with inferior talent, hard work, devotion, and concussion after concussion. Because of his ability, Michael Vick has been allowed, if not encouraged, to coast since he was probably 17 years old, while Brett Favre had to work inhuman hours under incredible circumstances for his shot at glory.

Being a superstar, a hero, is the most difficult thing a human being can possibly endure. Dennis Rodman never figured it out during the span of his entire NBA career and Charles Barkley still hasn’t! What made Larry Bird a legend, instead of just a pro, was his time with the Indiana State Sycamores. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. The greatest stories and performers in athletics, as well as life, experience “No!” much more than they experience “Yes!”

Among the past 20 Heisman Trophy winners, only two of them have Super Bowl rings. That’s one in ten of the college game’s all-time greats that went on to become elite professionals. With this knowledge in mind, if I were Gator quarterback and most recent Heisman winner Tim Tebow, I’d get the best agent I could and most importantly the best financial advisor I could find and get as much money out of the gate as I possibly could. I’d live in an efficiency apartment and drive a Volvo, fulfill my duties under my contract, and then retire on easy street when that first big contract is up, because they next contract will be miniscule in comparison. Dwayne Wade will always win more than Lebron James because Dwayne spent time at Marquette, with Coach Tom Crean, learning what it takes to win, while Lebron was on ESPN 2 in high school and went straight to the pro’s. Kevin Garnett would never have won an NBA title without Ray Allen and Paul Pierce and Kobe Bryant wouldn’t have learned how to win without Shaquille O’Neal.

In an episode of the West Wing, a candidate is running for President and he hired this consultant to teach him the “Presidential voice.” So, the candidate practices and practices with this consultant for hours before his chief advisor, who was the former deputy chief of staff to the current President, came in and scolded the candidate because the only way to have the “Presidential voice” is to actually be President!

You can practice your skills as much as you want, but you’re never going to be on a championship team until you, as an individual, learn how to win on a team. The New York Yankees have been buying the best talent in major league baseball, but haven’t won a World Series in years. It’s the teams that have the most players who know how to win that will beat the more talented teams 9 times out of 10. That’s why players like Mike Vick, Lebron James, and Tim Tebow are going to be sulking at home when it time to celebrate another championship in their respective sports. It’s too bad for the amount of money spent on them, but winning is a skill that greatly surpasses talent.