"What dreams may come"

The other night, a surreal feeling of calm overtook me on my way to the car. I stopped, stood in the parking lot, took a deep breath, and miraculously felt like a whole new man. As that overwhelming urge started to subside, I realized what it was. Since it had rained all evening, I had stumbled into that post-shower pot of new, fresh air that was absolutely intoxicating!

Rain is natures way of starting anew. For all of the dust, fowl odors, pollution, and whatnot that is kicked up in the air day after day, all it takes is a fresh little rain shower to wash our most precious necessity fresh and clean. Even in the dark, our planet is never asleep so I like to think of the rain as Mother Nature's attempt to recline in a hammock somewhere and catch a few z's. Doesn't Mother Nature have to sleep in a hammock? And in one of those Corona commercials. It's just fitting...

So what else would Mother Nature do during her little siestas, but dream? She must dream of all the beautiful things that she can create once those dark skies subside. A waterfall, a tropical paradise, rolling prairie that goes on forever, snow capped mountains, and streams or rivers that you could only see in a post card; all dreams of our beloved Mother Nature. Rain is so important for survival on this planet, just as dreams are so important to our emotional survival. We all need washed clean so we can rise the next day with that spring rain-esque feeling of new beginnings.

Has anybody stopped to critically think about Mother Nature? I'm not talking about global warming, greenhouse gases, or climate change but Mother Nature the person. Who is she? Where is she from? Does she have a family? How about a sister I could go out with? How does she feel about global warming? How much education is required to be considered for the planet mother position? Do they require references and what kind of background check is involved? Are they hiring for any other positions? Do they have casual Friday? Do they offer dental?

What I'm getting at is who asked her to be Mother Nature? Did she volunteer? I mean who would do such a thing? That is an awesome responsibility! What if she gets sick or has a death in the family? What happens when Mother Nature decides to take a personal day? What happens when Mrs. (I'm assuming) Nature starts going through menopause? If she travels does she experience jet lag, and what happens to the planet because of it? In that case, what happens if her circadian rhythms were to get messed up and the moon came out in the day and the sun came out at night? What if...

What if she became so sad and tired of all of the death and destruction from hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes that she stopped dreaming altogether? As if she made it her job to protect us all from the destructive aspects of weather by trying to stay awake forever? How would this planet survive without rain? How would we live without dreams? After a year of struggling with this same issue, I can tell you that life is pretty miserable without dreams and it's even more painful when you abstain from dreaming in order to protect those you hold dear.

Over the last year, my life improvement has stagnated. And though I've tried to attribute it to a number of different factors, the truth is that I've lost my desire. I've stopped dreaming. I've taken a blind eye to what is necessary to improve myself, and I've chosen to stop growing as an individual. I'm afraid to dream because I fear that my dreams and personal growth will take me in a direction that is not in sync with the futures of my queen or princess. The good news is that this isn't a unique problem. I think that a lot of people stop growing as individuals when they get into a relationship for fear that their personal growth might steer them away from this fresh joy in their lives and they don't realize they've lost their individuality until the relationship hits the skids.

The problem is that this doesn't feel like some hesitation to conform. There is something much bigger at play. Fear. I am afraid. And though I thought I was afraid of leaving my royal family, the truth is that I am afraid of failure. You see when I started this journey, the fog of depression was so thick in my mind, that I was completely indifferent to the whole process and the ominous road that lied before me. Plus, at 510 pounds, I had nowhere to go but up. Now, I'm actually starting to look like a normal human being and I'm developing the muscles and physique of a damn fine human being! I'm looking better, I'm feeling better, and I'm studying in a degree program that actually feels like home. For the first time in my life, those size 62 pants where I keep all of my emotional shortcomings and bad decisions have a few metaphorical coins in the front pocket and I'm afraid of losing what I've accumulated thus far. As I have said before, it isn't how low you get that is so painful, but its how fast and how far you fall in comparison to where you began. What began as my abstinence from dreaming to protect my family became me hiding behind them for fear of what the future would hold.

I recently had a philosophy assignment where I had to discuss Nozick's "Experience Machine." Nozick's machine is a device that could be programmed to create any and every experience in the world; sex, power, fame, or even peace. So the question became whether or not you would get into the machine. Nozick believed that most people would abstain because just having the experience without the toil and effort to achieve it would result in an empty victory and hardly worth the experience. My comment was that it isn't whether I would get into the machine, but don't we as a society already have experience machines? We drink alcohol, we abuse narcotics, we take antidepressants, we overeat, we engage in loveless intercourse, and we tell lies. Aren't all of these things a way to escape from the pain that we feel inside; if only for a single moment? I have come to realize that I was wrong.

Truth is, we already live in an "Experience Machine!" In this world, there isn't anything we can't do! You want to be the President? Fine, go be the President. 44 men have already used the "Experience Machine" for that one. Wanna fly? We can do that! Swim with the dolphins? Go to the beach, go to Sea World, or go get stoned with Ricky Williams (running back for the Miami Dolphins) and you can fly and swim with a Dolphin at the same time... I'm talking about "manifest destiny." If you want it then go out and get it! The only thing standing between you and your dreams is yourself!" Now granted, if you want to experience flying like a bird so you jump off a skyscraper, you will die, but what piece of equipment doesn't have a bug or two? I'm sure you all have witnessed Microsoft's "blue screen of doom." Maybe Nozick can fix those qwerks for version 2.3 or hopefully Apple CEO Steve Jobs will buy it and develop it into iLife...

So say the door to this magical device is like a bright, beaming light in an endless plain of shadows and darkness, then I am huddled on the ground, paralyzed with fear, just outside the grasp of the light. It isn't the endless possibilities that frightens me, but more the high probability that I'm going to follow the wrong one. I have made too many mistakes in my life and here I am. I don't have any drugs addictions, I'm not in debt, I don't have a litter of children spread across the country, and I'm not a felon! My teeth are clean, I'm in perfect health, and I've still maintained my friends and family. Why? Why? Why? Aside from the 300 extra pounds that accumulated throughout my body and the long list of emotional problems, I'm still standing tall and that is what is so terrifying!

They say that the odds of being struck by lighting twice are better than winning the lottery. In my case, I feel like I've won the jackpot twelve weeks in a row so now I really need to stay indoors, even when the sun is shinning, because it just seems like my time to be struck by lightning is long past up. I want to do right by my life and I want to follow my dreams, but I feel I need to always be zigging and zagging to avoid the lighting for fear that this will be the one that takes me all the way down, and worse takes the people I love down with me. This might sound absolutely ridiculous, but I can't help but feel this way and it is driving be bananas!

Unlike most of the blogs I write, there is no happy ending, there is no right choice, and there is no solution; only more questions. Though I don't know the correct path, it is time to move forward. Fear not only makes us human, but it also guides us by teaching us who we really are. I need to bring accountability back into my life and it starts right now. Today I weighed 361.5 pounds and though I have made incredible headway, I am absolutely ashamed and embarrassed for the world to quantifiably know just how many mistakes I've made. But accountability comes through honesty, so from now on I'm going to publish my daily weight right here on my blog so that there will be no more excuses or explanations for what is happening with my weight; just one number plain and simple.

I like to use other's words in my writing because I feel that there are so many people wiser than I who can create a masterpiece of the emotions I'm trying to convey. It was definitely a toss up, but I settled on, "And in the end on dreams we will depend cause that's what dreams are made of..."

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of...

Dreams by Van Halen