The Random Wednesday of Greatness: Prologue

It amazes me that as this journey is becoming more commonplace that it still isn’t getting any easier. I’ve been on this life improvement train for almost 13 months now and it is just as difficult, if not more now, than it has ever been. Previously, I referred to getting to my highest weight as filling my size 62 pants with one million mistakes and that to lose the weight I’ve got to fix, reverse these mistakes. I figured as I managed to untangle this bad wiring that it would be easier to get to the more complicated issues. I feel like I’m working harder now than I was 12 to 13 months ago.

When I got started, I was so fat, that exercise really just had to include movement and I would lose weight. At 507 pounds, walking around the block could be considered cardio because my heart rate was getting up to 145 beats/minute pretty easy. My weight has plateau-ed for about 5 months now so I started working out with a personal trainer. I’m on a fantastic workout, but I thought getting out of bed before was a struggle. I have to brace myself to get myself on and off the toilet because my legs burn so badly. I’m even getting lightheaded from the pain. I’ve got to do that workout on my own tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to summon the strength to do it!

Not to have one of those TMI (too much information) moments, but there is a correlation between my weight plateau-ing and having regular bowel movements. I know that isn’t something one wants to talk about, but it’s been such a struggle and it’s made me so miserable. I’ve tried various daily amounts of fiber and other supplements with no improvement. At one time, I was taking two ex-lax a night before I went to bed, just to help with the discomfort. I’ve talked with different nutritionists and doctors with conflicting opinions. It turns out that I needed more pro-biotics in my diet. I’ve been taking a daily dose with my breakfast for the past few days and my excretory issues are over! As I’m losing this weight, my body chemistry is getting all out of sorts. It’s so frustrating to think that I’m improving my body and screwing it up at the same time.

Now that I’m having multiple, daily trips to the restroom, my weight is surely going to start dropping rapidly. My problem is that now I have an excuse to stop the mega-workout. In just a week, I’m going to see incredible results, but I don’t know if I have it in me. 13 months ago, I had to lose weight. I was unhealthy, sick, and lonely. I had to lose weight or my life was quickly going to end. Now, I’m in excellent shape medically. I have a girlfriend, a family, a great sex life, zero physical limitations and all I had to do was make a commitment to a passive effort. I never really had to push myself that hard, I just had to show up every day and stick to my menu plan 95 percent of the time. Pushing past the pain in an attempt at bettering myself, even further, is actually an active attempt at greatness and I don’t know that I’ve ever done that in the 27 years of my life. Not to “toot my own horn,” but I’m a pretty smart young man so school has never been a struggle. Because I wasn’t taking care of my body, life has previously been a breeze. I have my fair share of mental and emotional daemons, but the antidepressants that I’m on, and my lifetime commitment to stay on them, makes dealing with these emotions much easier.

One of my favorite monologues is from the movie Any Given Sunday. Al Pacino gives this speech before the big game and he talks about how “life is this game of inches” and how fighting for the next inch is what life is all about. I’ll kill myself for the next inch, but trying to make this leap absolutely terrifies me. I get so inspired by this line from the movie Varsity Blues that goes, “We have our entire lives to be mediocre, but we have the opportunity to play like gods for the next half of football.” So many great dramas revolve around the idea of the protagonist rallying against insurmountable odds to succeed at this moment of greatness (like a big game, battle, trial, moment of truth). You see, that sort of thing is sexy. It’s damn right heroic! I can get inspired for that moment of truth. I can push myself for the big game, but who wants to summon that courage and strength for a hard, painful workout on some random Wednesday?

There are very few people that rise to greatness for the purpose of personal accomplishment and not for the glory. I don’t have the self esteem to want this for myself so what possible motivation do I have to struggle through this pain? I do believe that tomorrow is one of those forks in the road that will dictate the rest of my life. It is clear that tomorrow will be one of those defining moments. I think the underlying issue here is that I’m 27 and I’m still learning who am I and what I have the “stones” for. I could talk for another two pages on that, but I don’t know that we ever really know who we really are. I think that is what makes life so exciting and why no two days are ever alike. So what will tomorrow bring?