I AM Obama!!!

After this election cycle, I’m so tired of the word, CHANGE. It seemed like every politician that was running from President of the United States to county dog catcher used those six letters in every sentence they put out for consumption….

“I’m for change.”
“I’m an instrument of change.”
“I promise to bring about sweeping changes.”
“We’re going to change America for the better.”
“America, it’s time for change.”

I’m so damn tired of that word that I can hardly stand it. Most people who read this would probably assume that I like things the way they are. They probably think I’m set in my ways and opposed to change. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t believe I’m this self-absorbed, but my problem is for everything I’ve done to improve my life in the past 13 months, it drives me crazy for the word to be used as a cliché.

My problem is that I don’t know how to make improvements. I only know change. I live life to the best of my abilities and as problems start, my life develops this downward spiral and I don’t seem to react until I’ve hit the bottom. By the time I’ve hit the bottom, I’ve abandoned my friends, I’ve lied to my family, and I’m just moments from losing my mind altogether. At that point, I start seeing a therapist again, get back on antidepressants, and then start my life all over again. You see, I have a family history of mental illness which means that I should be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. My problem is that when things start to go wrong in life, it is hard to feel sorry for myself, self-soothe (abuse things that give immediate gratification), and quit trying when you’re properly medicated so I stop taking the medicine, become unbalanced, and then ride the spiral all the way down to the bottom. Why would anybody do this? Because when you don’t have anything to live for, the bottom is the most comfortable place to be. When you’re life conditions match your perceived life prospects (i.e. when you feel you don’t deserve anything and you don’t have anything), then you are responsibility free. You know you’re a piece of shit, but you could care less….

People tell me what incredible job I’ve done in the past 13 months. They tell me that the weight loss is incredible and always tell me I’m looking better every time I see them. Some people tell me they’re jealous that I’ve gotten a chance to start over with life figured out and an idea of what I want for my future. Though I appreciate their words, it is my belief that there is a difference between improving one’s life and changing one’s life. It’s easier to build a new house as oppose to remodeling one. It is easier to start with a clean slate than to take conditions as they are and develop your life, for the better, around those conditions. Though I’m very proud I’ve made it this far, I’ll be more proud of myself in 5 years if I’ve kept the weight off of continued to enhance my life.

If this line of thinking is foreign to you, don’t feel bad. I’ve learned over the years that I don’t see the world the way most people do. If a politician campaigned that “change is the slackers way and instead of overhauling everything, we’re going to make little improvements on the system we’ve got in place,” I might be the only person that didn’t snicker and sneer him/her out of town. In our society, it is easier to try to change the people around you than to make improvements to your own life. It is easier to enforce your standards on others than to find a situation that is more comfortable to you. The more that I improve my life, the more I get frustrated with people that are unwilling, unable, or resistant to change. It’s gotten to the point to where I’ll “raise the bar,” or set the standard, and people continue to live their lives and interact around me as usual. If I set the standard higher, and the people around me don’t rise to it, how do they not feel like even more of a piece of shit? My girlfriend gets it and seems genuinely up to the challenge. My “raising the bar” has shown her that she has this incredible opportunity to do whatever she wants and that her divorce isn’t the end of anything, but the start of an incredibly journey. She is going to do great things and seeing life change in action has done wonders for her.

A big thorn in my ass is people that are with partners they don’t deserve or make a minimal effort for. Are these people so self-aware that they know that they don’t have to improve their lives to increase their happiness? Is it self-aware or is it self-absorbed? Does this come down to the idea that some people are givers and some people are takers? Do givers change while takers stay the same? Then, that begs the question do givers change for the sake of takers? Can a giver change with disregard to the takers in their lives? Can a giver live independently? Why do givers need takers? Can two givers coexist in the absence of takers?

If I’m making such great improvements in my life, why would I take the time to worry about such things and be angry about those that are so resistant to change? It’s because I’m afraid on a daily basis that I’m heading in the right direction (for now), but on the wrong road. What if I’m on a road that goes east, for now, but ends up going west? I’m a giver and I despise takers/users with every ounce of hatred I have. It isn’t so much because I’m angry for being lured in by so many only to be discarded, used up, and worse for wear, but I think it’s because I’m afraid that I am a taker after all. Is the difference between being a giver and a taker confidence? I’m afraid that as I continue to improve my life and the inadequacy disappears, that I’ll end up living like the people that I despise.

In the end, I don’t believe that our destinies are set, so I can live out my life the way I want. I can be with whom I want and I can love anyone that I choose. Even though the takers just drive me bananas, ultimately, I should only worry/be upset about the things that I have any influence on and “raising the bar” just isn’t influence. Those people that won’t change aren’t my problem and in the end they’re going to be left behind if they don’t conform to the standard around them. It’s too bad, but it’s not my job to carry them through, it’s my job to keep setting the standard. So how am I going to deal with these folks that upset me so much? One of the things on my list of things to do before I’m 30 is to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on guitar, so today I’m going to start looking for a cheap guitar and start taking lessons on the internet. That Michael Jackson was one crazy son of a bitch, but he was right on when he sang,
“If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change…..”

I should only worry about the things that I can control; my life and my decisions. There isn’t one right road through life. I can blaze my own path in any direction I choose. Finally, I am aware and in control of my life and that is all I can ever do. Maybe change isn’t such a bad word after all! We should always be changing and improving our lives, but we shouldn’t look to Washington DC, or our local state capitals to make our lives better. Instead we need to look inward, at our own hearts and our own lives, and that is where we can make the most good in this society. President-elect Obama is going to have as much fortune changing the direction of a planet of nearly 6 billion people as I am getting angry because there are worthless people out there. I just have a hard time with patience and tolerance because the reward for these virtues just takes so damn long! I guess thats why they’re so rare in this fast paced, immediate gratification society. Nobody plans for tomorrow anymore, it seems they just concentrate what they can take today. Patience and tolerance is the absolute key for my success. If those virtues are rare, then that must make me rich!