Note: I posted ths after a week of about 3 and a half hours of sleep per night and even Ambien wasn't putting my anxiety. I thought about editing it now that I'm sleeping more soundly, but I just don't want to!
Lately, I haven't been feeling very desirable…..
I've been over 450 pounds since I was 21 years old, so I used to live vicariously through my friends relationships. I've always been the "mother goose," or the listener of the group, because I though I couldn't afford to lose any more friends, after my fraternity phase of couch pissings, so I've always been pretty good at keeping secrets. The one theme that I've heard time and time again is people start talking about how the relationship is in such a great place. They might even be thinking about moving in together or they have already. So I push for details like, "wow, you guys must be all over each other. Do ya just walk around naked and just go at it all day?" To my shock, time after time, no is always the answer. Then they go on to explain to me that when a relationship gets to a certain point, you just get too tired at the end of the day to have sex so instead of once or twice in a night, it might be once or twice a week. I would get so angry inside when friends would tell me that. I hadn't been touched in god knows how long and these perfectly fit and healthy young men with girlfriends just don't feel like it! I just didn't understand. I used to think that I was a better man because I knew I'd never be like that with any girlfriend of mine.
A relationship is hard work; especially when there is a child involved. I see that now. After a day's worth of class, working out, getting dinner on, evening family obligations, and an errand or two, I'm absolutely exhausted. Be that as it may, this feeling of desire just starts burning inside of me and it's a flame I don't know how, or would I want, to put out. It's like this volcanic optimism and satisfaction inside me that just exclaims, "even though this day was so rough, there isn't anybody I'd rather spend this day with and work so hard for." In my body, that satisfaction overwhelms me and it becomes too much to handle and passion becomes the outlet for release. I optimistically thought that this is what it meant to be in love, but I get the feeling that my perspective is a little different from the rest of the lovers out there.
I've been at least a little different my whole life so why would this topic be any different? This feels like some sort of spiral or cycle. When I feel undesirable, I become less desirable. Actually becoming less desirable will make me feel even less desirable, and so on down that winding road to where BIG mistakes are made. With my lifelong burden of sometimes crippling depression, I get very nervous when I even get the hint of a spiral coming on. The problem is that I'm so inexperienced in serious relationships, because I used to weigh as much as one couple, that I don't know the nuances of even having the opportunity to be intimate every night. I also think one aspect of intimacy is not only sharing the moment, but making memories that keep your partner attracted to you after the night rolls off into the sunrise. I, on the other hand, am loyal and dependable to an extent that some would say to a fault. So is there no need to keep me interested? Is there less need for intimacy when you know your partner will be back?
All I want is this spiral to be broken. This life changing work is so damn hard and I'm very, very fatigued. I don't know why, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength to push through this one and I have to do it alone. My girlfriend is so "gun shy" from her marriage and doesn't want a situation where her whole entire life depends of someone else's permission. I keep telling her that the only person that she should rely on is herself. Since she has a child, the only person she should trust is herself. Even if we were to get married, she needs a life in place so that if something changes, or the relationship goes South, that she and her daughter can safely walk out at any moment. So, with these parameters on our relationship, I can't use intimacy or our relationship as a crutch, but I just feel like it's the only thing I've got. I'm just so tired….
It seems that there is this level of comfort when you're in a serious relationship that supersedes sex, which makes sense. The expectation of every night is just unreasonable and really, who is in that kind of shape? It's just hard for somebody with such low self-esteem to go from "hot and heavy" to a more "normal" rotation without thinking that this is somehow my fault. So even with this in mind, how do I go about feeling more desirable and how do I sell this to the little, loud, annoying guy in the back of my head that's keeping me up at 12:45 at night? In the end, there is only one person responsible for this problem and how I'm currently feeling and that's me. I'm trying to correct the one million mistakes that I, and I alone made. I'm just so tired and I need more than sleep. At this point sleep would be a good start. I think a shower and an Ambien should do the trick!
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