Oh, to be part of the family…..

Family is very, very important in my life and a major aspect in my dreams. I've mentioned how it was the idea of having a family of my own got me through some very rough times in my childhood. Now, with my life greatly improved, I'm a part of the family that I'd always dreamed; or so I think. Before my "queen" and I started dating, I had very little experience with children. I've babysat more than a few times, but I always got to go home when the job was finished and the idea of a 24-hour babysitting job, or to be a parent/ step-parent, is a lot of responsibility, uncertainty, and something that I take very seriously. I consider being a member of this family to be THE greatest honor of my life and I work very hard for my family. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do. In every spare moment, I'm cleaning house, watching my "princess," driving my lovely ladies where they need to go, helping with homework, refilling the humidifier,or the daily breakfast and snack preparations. My "queen's" ex-husband already has a family of his own including a girlfriend who has a son. My "princess" has a group of wonderful people who love her very much, but for some reason, I feel like I'm the odd one out.

It's becoming clear that my little, beautiful "princess" might not see me as a part of her family. In a past few months, and twice in the last two days, she's talked about her family and would list them by name. There was, of course, mommy, daddy, and then daddy's girlfriend, her son, but not me. I understand her being weary of somebody replacing her father, but I've told her a number of times that nobody would ever replace her dad and that I went through this exact thing when I was a kid and were always going to be good friends, first and foremost. If the fear of replacing parents is the reason that I'm out, then why is daddy's girlfriend in the mix?

It was already a challenge in learning the nuances of being a parent/ step-parent and the doubt that I have in my abilities is only exacerbated by the notion that the youngster doesn't see me as such.

My girlfriend has custody so raising her is pretty much our show. Raising a child, especially one so gifted, is an exceptional challenge and will continue to be so probably through graduate school. I'm completely prepared to be "second fiddle" for the rest of this young woman's life and when she succeeds, the credit will rightfully go to her mother and father. I don't need to be player of the game when I think I'm one of the hardest workers out there, but I struggle when I don't feel recognized as even being on the field, especially when I don't think I'm good enough to be on it to begin with. Seven year olds are free to think however they want, love who they want, and decide which people she considers family. I don't want this to sound like I'm mad or even hurt. I'm a bit shocked and confused when I think about it and the thoughts like, "see, you aren't doing enough for your family!" starts creeping into my head.

One final note: I kind of quit smoking a long time ago by reducing to 3 to 6 smokes a day. On some days, it might be a half a drag for the whole day and other, more stressful days, might be the full six. So, because I'm a family man now, I decided it was time to quit and I went on the gum. It turns out that one of the chemicals in the gum was burning a hole in my gum that is now a canker sore that won't go away. With the gum thrown away, I wanted to go back to smoking, but I won't let myself because I'm a member of a family and good family folks don't participate in risky behavior. I just can't conceive of what else I have to do to be accepted by everyone. And that makes me want a cigarette! Argh…….

Bottom line is that I'll be okay. I just have to keep my head on straight and do the work that needs done. Because they're worth it!!!