Help me, "Ben Johnson." You're my only hope...

Today I received a voice mail that changed my life. A very foreign sounding Ben Johnson, from California, called me to warn me about upcoming troubles! It turns out that I took out a payday loan from Money Services International of California and I opted against paying those fine folks back the money I borrowed and a substantial amount of interest. I inquired as to what city in California, but his California/surfs up accent was so strong that I couldn't make out what he was saying. There must be a location in California where the residents all have accents as if they were from India...

My new friend Ben was calling me as a representative of "federal government" to offer me a chance to pay back this defaulted loan immediately before the computer system downloads my file on Monday morning and a law suit will be filed against me in "federal court of California." The problem is that I don't remember taking out such a payday loan so I told Mr. Johnson, that I was going to need the phone number of this Money Services International. Ben was very helpful and gladly gave me the phone number and my reference number, but asked if I could call him back to make the payment because he would get a commission. "We all know how tough it is with this economy," he said.

So, I called the phone number and spoke to a Mr. Sean Taylor. He too had the same Calcutta, California accent. I wondered if he knew my friend Ben! Here is where it gets confusing. I told Sean that I needed the specifics of the loan that I forgot acquiring. He told me that I needed to call such and such phone number to talk to Money Services International. They were the ones that had all the information.

"But wait," I started, "this is supposed to be the number for Money Services International. Come to think of it, the number you gave me is the number for my good friend Ben Johnson. Hey, so you do know Ben!"

"You don't want to be deadbeat right? I'd pay the money now before they file suit against you in federal court of California when the files get updated on Monday morning."

"Now are we talking about Monday morning in Calcutta or at federal court of California?"

"What? Calcutta? I'm in California."

"Really? Because there is a delay in this conversation, almost as if you're overseas. I thought you and Ben worked for federal government... You know what? I don't want to be deadbeat, so I'm going to pay the money to make this go away. I just need a name and an address and I will put a cashier's check in the mail tomorrow morning... Hello?... Hello?"

Since I lost communication, I called him back only to hear, "son of bitch, mother fucker! Don't call back!"

"But how can I pay you then?"

As I finished the call, a young women sitting next to me seemed incredibly curious, so I explained what was happening. She looked very sympathetic as she said "that is so terrible that there isn't enough money over there that they have to resort to conning and stealing from Americans."

As a result of this incident, I've got four angry thoughts fighting for attention. First, how stupid is this dumb young woman? Second, they knew my social security number, so I'm going to have to apply for a new social, new license, new credit cards, and new bank account numbers. Third, criminals wouldn't be going to all this trouble if this scam didn't work enough to make a substantial profit. Finally, even though there are portions of India that are quite poor, that doesn't give anybody the right to steal! Especially with identity theft, the wealthy can afford identity theft protection so the victims of these crimes have the same financial circumstances as their perpetrators.

There was only one noble thief and that was Robin Hood. He actually stole from the rich and gave to the poor. That was also a fantasy! Do you know why car insurance is so high on Honda Civics? It turns out that Honda Civics are the most valuable car that is easy enough to steal, chop, and redistribute without to much overhead and education; not Lexus, BMW, or Mercedes but Honda Civics. The best targets for pickpockets are upper lower to lower middle class people because they carry more cash and fewer credit cards. Wall Street is a safer place to carry a wallet than Main Street. There is no stealing from the rich, it's the less-fortunate stealing from the slightly less, less-fortunate.

I think the reason that stealing is such a natural transition to violence is because when the thief inevitably becomes the victim, the massive dose of irony is so hard to swallow that they are overcome with anger and hostility. It's times like these that I can't help but think of life as some sort of vicious cycle and it absolutely kills me to feel that way. Sometimes it seems life is this collection of downward spirals with the key being that you jump from downward spiral to downward spiral as quickly as you can before you get sucked in for good. That's no way to live, but how do you rise above them?

But if I go to hell well then I hope I burn well. I'll spend my days with JFK, Marvin Gaye, Martha Ray, and Lawrence Welk and Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain, and Jimi Hendrix, Poltergeist... and Webster, yeah, Emmanuel Lewis 'cause he's the Antichrist.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire... Burn, mother *&#!?, burn!

Jimmy "Pop" Ali