Thanks, but I'm holding out for Dr. Phil..... Just kidding :)

A few months ago, my girlfriend and I were getting in the car and she told me, "baby, when you're famous, I don't want anything special. Just to get to sit in Oprah's green room when you go on the show."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"If you keep losing all this weight, " she responded, "you're gonna be on Oprah for sure.... Plus you're just a damn rock star!"

I thought she was out of her mind, but it turns she wasn't to far off, again. When my girlfriend and I were at the young survivors conference in Dallas, a couple representatives from a center in North Carolina, where I started my new life, called and asked me if I could go on Oprah!

I've mentioned this place when I first started blogging and I should explain a little more. It was a residential weight loss center in Durham, North Carolina. There was no surgery. No trick diets. No gimmicks. It was really like a Weight Watchers (registered trademark) Hotel with every different kind of doctor, physical and psychological, nutritionists, trainers, and "relaxation specialists (massage, reflexology, & ect.)." It was a great place for me to get the advice and help I needed to get started overcoming my "one million mistakes." The best part about it was the math was so simple. "You weigh this much, you're this tall, you're this old, you need this many calories to maintain your weight. Eat less and you'll loose weight. Add exercise and you'll lose more weight. It's going to be hard, but you can do it!" Their whole concentration is on the behavior of overindulging. Their approach was if you figure out why you aren't taking care of yourself, you can build yourself up emotionally and weight loss would be a byproduct. I thought it was a good theory then and 175 pounds later and think it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me.

So, Oprah's show started contacting these sorts of places for people that have lost a bunch of weight and they wanted me to go on the show! Oprah was looking for people that had lost some substantial weight already and still had some weight loss to go. I, for example, have another 100 pounds to lose. They would highlight me and the facility I started at and then track my progress. I was so moved by the honor of even being offered, but I had to politely decline.

You see, I've never been focused on losing weight. I've always been focused on improving myself emotionally, by actually taking care of myself and putting myself before all others (in my own mind), and the weight would come off. I don't freak out when I put on a pound or two because I know I didn't overeat by 7,000 calories and my weight just isn't that important to me. My physical and emotional health is, but my weight is just one factor and as all the other factors in my life come into harmony (lets all hug trees) then my weight will come to a healthier level, as it has already made a very large shift in the healthy direction. I realized that with the national spotlight, there would be an incredible pressure for me to lose weight and that pressure was going to cause me to start looking at my weight differently. I still have a lot of things to do before I'm 30 and having the nation follow me around will just slow me down and cause me to lose my focus. That reminds me, I need to post my top 10 things to do before I'm 30 (even though there are 12 now). So, I sent back the following reply:

"I just saw your message and (name removed) just called me. I'm sorry, but I have to say no. I believe that this last 100 pounds is going to be my hardest to lose and I really just don't need that sort of complication in my life. Plus, that sort of publicity and attention would be just the excuse I'm always looking for to take a break from this endeavor. I can't afford to mess this up because I think it really is my last shot to get my life under control. Thank you for the offer, but I respectfully have to decline.

Sincerely,
Andy Ashby"


You readers might have thought you were in the "IN" crowd by following some writer before he became famous, but I'm happy to say you're stuck with little (ironically still) 'ole me. Once I'm at a point where I've found center in my life, or even when my antidepressant/sleep medication isn't changing every three months, then I can start putting myself out there for whomever to examine. For now, I think I'm just going to stick to my computer and let my writing tell my stories.

We'll meet someday, Oprah.... I promise!

I AM Obama!!!

After this election cycle, I’m so tired of the word, CHANGE. It seemed like every politician that was running from President of the United States to county dog catcher used those six letters in every sentence they put out for consumption….

“I’m for change.”
“I’m an instrument of change.”
“I promise to bring about sweeping changes.”
“We’re going to change America for the better.”
“America, it’s time for change.”

I’m so damn tired of that word that I can hardly stand it. Most people who read this would probably assume that I like things the way they are. They probably think I’m set in my ways and opposed to change. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I can’t believe I’m this self-absorbed, but my problem is for everything I’ve done to improve my life in the past 13 months, it drives me crazy for the word to be used as a cliché.

My problem is that I don’t know how to make improvements. I only know change. I live life to the best of my abilities and as problems start, my life develops this downward spiral and I don’t seem to react until I’ve hit the bottom. By the time I’ve hit the bottom, I’ve abandoned my friends, I’ve lied to my family, and I’m just moments from losing my mind altogether. At that point, I start seeing a therapist again, get back on antidepressants, and then start my life all over again. You see, I have a family history of mental illness which means that I should be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. My problem is that when things start to go wrong in life, it is hard to feel sorry for myself, self-soothe (abuse things that give immediate gratification), and quit trying when you’re properly medicated so I stop taking the medicine, become unbalanced, and then ride the spiral all the way down to the bottom. Why would anybody do this? Because when you don’t have anything to live for, the bottom is the most comfortable place to be. When you’re life conditions match your perceived life prospects (i.e. when you feel you don’t deserve anything and you don’t have anything), then you are responsibility free. You know you’re a piece of shit, but you could care less….

People tell me what incredible job I’ve done in the past 13 months. They tell me that the weight loss is incredible and always tell me I’m looking better every time I see them. Some people tell me they’re jealous that I’ve gotten a chance to start over with life figured out and an idea of what I want for my future. Though I appreciate their words, it is my belief that there is a difference between improving one’s life and changing one’s life. It’s easier to build a new house as oppose to remodeling one. It is easier to start with a clean slate than to take conditions as they are and develop your life, for the better, around those conditions. Though I’m very proud I’ve made it this far, I’ll be more proud of myself in 5 years if I’ve kept the weight off of continued to enhance my life.

If this line of thinking is foreign to you, don’t feel bad. I’ve learned over the years that I don’t see the world the way most people do. If a politician campaigned that “change is the slackers way and instead of overhauling everything, we’re going to make little improvements on the system we’ve got in place,” I might be the only person that didn’t snicker and sneer him/her out of town. In our society, it is easier to try to change the people around you than to make improvements to your own life. It is easier to enforce your standards on others than to find a situation that is more comfortable to you. The more that I improve my life, the more I get frustrated with people that are unwilling, unable, or resistant to change. It’s gotten to the point to where I’ll “raise the bar,” or set the standard, and people continue to live their lives and interact around me as usual. If I set the standard higher, and the people around me don’t rise to it, how do they not feel like even more of a piece of shit? My girlfriend gets it and seems genuinely up to the challenge. My “raising the bar” has shown her that she has this incredible opportunity to do whatever she wants and that her divorce isn’t the end of anything, but the start of an incredibly journey. She is going to do great things and seeing life change in action has done wonders for her.

A big thorn in my ass is people that are with partners they don’t deserve or make a minimal effort for. Are these people so self-aware that they know that they don’t have to improve their lives to increase their happiness? Is it self-aware or is it self-absorbed? Does this come down to the idea that some people are givers and some people are takers? Do givers change while takers stay the same? Then, that begs the question do givers change for the sake of takers? Can a giver change with disregard to the takers in their lives? Can a giver live independently? Why do givers need takers? Can two givers coexist in the absence of takers?

If I’m making such great improvements in my life, why would I take the time to worry about such things and be angry about those that are so resistant to change? It’s because I’m afraid on a daily basis that I’m heading in the right direction (for now), but on the wrong road. What if I’m on a road that goes east, for now, but ends up going west? I’m a giver and I despise takers/users with every ounce of hatred I have. It isn’t so much because I’m angry for being lured in by so many only to be discarded, used up, and worse for wear, but I think it’s because I’m afraid that I am a taker after all. Is the difference between being a giver and a taker confidence? I’m afraid that as I continue to improve my life and the inadequacy disappears, that I’ll end up living like the people that I despise.

In the end, I don’t believe that our destinies are set, so I can live out my life the way I want. I can be with whom I want and I can love anyone that I choose. Even though the takers just drive me bananas, ultimately, I should only worry/be upset about the things that I have any influence on and “raising the bar” just isn’t influence. Those people that won’t change aren’t my problem and in the end they’re going to be left behind if they don’t conform to the standard around them. It’s too bad, but it’s not my job to carry them through, it’s my job to keep setting the standard. So how am I going to deal with these folks that upset me so much? One of the things on my list of things to do before I’m 30 is to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on guitar, so today I’m going to start looking for a cheap guitar and start taking lessons on the internet. That Michael Jackson was one crazy son of a bitch, but he was right on when he sang,
“If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change…..”

I should only worry about the things that I can control; my life and my decisions. There isn’t one right road through life. I can blaze my own path in any direction I choose. Finally, I am aware and in control of my life and that is all I can ever do. Maybe change isn’t such a bad word after all! We should always be changing and improving our lives, but we shouldn’t look to Washington DC, or our local state capitals to make our lives better. Instead we need to look inward, at our own hearts and our own lives, and that is where we can make the most good in this society. President-elect Obama is going to have as much fortune changing the direction of a planet of nearly 6 billion people as I am getting angry because there are worthless people out there. I just have a hard time with patience and tolerance because the reward for these virtues just takes so damn long! I guess thats why they’re so rare in this fast paced, immediate gratification society. Nobody plans for tomorrow anymore, it seems they just concentrate what they can take today. Patience and tolerance is the absolute key for my success. If those virtues are rare, then that must make me rich!

In the beginning..... How sacreligious is that?

One summer in college, I worked for one of my fraternity brothers mowing lawns. We were mowing at the Nazarene church in our hometown and I had taken a break to refill the lawnmower. I took this opportunity to talk to the beautiful, young lady friend of mine that had stopped to chat. As I was chatting away and very distracted by her very large, round “features” I scraped the gas nozzle against the rim of the tank as I removed it the nozzle whipped around and splashed a substantial amount of gas into my face; specifically my eyes. I threw my hands firmly to my face as I shouted every curse word I knew, and even made up a few! “Shit, fuck, god damn mother! Fuck god! Oh god!” The preacher ran out of the church and calmly explained to me that god could hear the filthy words I was saying. I turned to him and replied, “Then that means that god watched while my distracted dumbass managed gasoline into my eyes and didn’t do anything to stop it! So I’m not particularly concerned if I offended anybody that would watch that happen and do nothing.”

I don’t know where I’m going with this story, but I can tell you from experience that questioning religion, or even blindly, wholeheartedly committing your life to religion you don’t fully understand, is what I like to call one of the million items you use to fill a size 62 pair of pants. What does that mean you might ask? Well, you see, nobody is born clinically obese, or an alcoholic, or a drug addict, a sex addict, a family-less workaholic, or even a criminal. Lots of people, smarter than myself, will talk about “nature versus nurture” and how much of our behavior is learned versus how much is engrained into our psyche, but I can say with absolute certainty that there aren’t any babies that are born that wear size 62 pants. You see, there isn’t just one bad choice that causes you to be fat. If only it were so easy that we could just find Marty McFly from Back to the Future, hop in his Delorean, and go back and tell ourselves not to pick up that donut or that glass of scotch, or that hit of cocaine when we we’re at a moment of weakness in our lives. Instead of one bad choice that ruins our lives, it’s this progression of bad choice after bad choice until we get to a point that it’s nearly impossible to correct our path.

Though I’ve traversed the gambit of all sorts of addictions and self-destructive behaviors, obesity is the one that was going to kill me. When I look back and try to think of all the bad choices I’ve made, I struggle to find a number. So how do I quantify it? Well, I’ve counted to a thousand before, and I’ve had one hundred thousand of something before so I guess a million is the first number that I really can’t conceptualize. So, for conversation sake, we’ll say that at my worst I filled my size 62 pair of pants with one million small mistakes. The problem is that you have to remove as many of those items as you can to get those pants to shrink and that is easier said than done. These tiny mistakes are all intertwined, like the cables behind your computer or television, and it takes focus, self-awareness, perseverance, and most importantly patience to whittle down those 62 britches to a more suitable size.

On December 24, 2007, the beginning of the better half of my life, I weighed in at 507 pounds. For 10 years at that point, I had succumbed to a family history of mental disease, specifically depression, and the fog that I had been living in had caused my life to completely spin out of control. I had been living in an efficiency apartment where I had hung bed sheets to block out the sun and the walls were lined with stacks of pizza boxes and newspapers from the floor to the ceiling. In the middle of my “fortress of solitude” was an old, worn out mattress and box springs that sat on the floor, because I’d broken the frame 50 or 60 pounds ago. I had my big-ass TV perched as high as I could so that whenever possible I could just lay and watch TV and zone out of my quickly deteriorating life while my garbage protected me from the evils that lurked in the world just outside my defenses.

I got started at a residential weight loss facility in Durham, NC. It was a great place because their program didn’t have any tricks to lose weight. The nutritionist was very straightforward. “You weigh this much, you’re this tall, you’re this age, you plan to exercise this much while you’re here. Well then here is the lowest number of calories that you can eat safely.” With that magic number in mind, I started planning my meals and they would prepare them. I quit drinking alcohol and soda. I quit smoking (yes mom, I smoked. Sorry!). I was drinking a gallon of water a day and exercising two hours a day. Inside, they had classes on proper nutrition, cooking classes, life management, meditation, and group and individualized therapy sessions.

After 1 year and 1 month not to mention the 6 weeks I spent in North Carolina, I have lost 172 pounds! None of those 172 pounds was ever lost because of surgery, starvation, or trick diets. It was all lost the good old fashioned way with hard work, determination, a lot of sweat, and painstaking planning! I’m still counting calories and I’m in the gym about 8 hours a week doing either weight training, boxing, yoga, or training for the Indy 500 mini marathon. I’ve plateau-ed pretty hard at 172 for a while now. I’m still slimming up all the time, but the scale seems broken. I’m not worried about it though because I’m really not dieting. I never did and I never will. For me, this is a lifestyle change and I give my body what it needs based on how busy my life is and how heavy I exercise and the weight loss is just a byproduct.

So, after a year, I’ve managed to shrink to size 62 pants down to size 42’s that I bought the other day from Old Navy. It was the first article of clothing I’d bought myself outside of a store specifically for fat guys since I was in high school! In keeping with the theme of the million mistakes inside my big-ass pants, I’ve managed to get half of that garbage out, but half still remains. The part I worked off we’ll think of it as the poor mistakes that my daemons tricked me into making. Now, if I’m going to make any more improvement in my life, I have to tackle those daemons, faulty ideals, and misconceptions and re-learn what it means to become a man.

Writing is my creative outlet so this blog is my therapeutic release. I need to relive my mistakes and that ugly trip down to the bottom of the barrel so I can learn where those daemons are hiding so that this whole voyage to hell doesn’t happen again. I don’t care who reads my blog, but all of my readers should understand that I’m telling these stories so that I can see them in proper perspective and to have my story heard, because everybody’s story should be told at least once. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, colorful ones at that, but I’m not proud of any of them. Please don’t think that I’m writing this for sympathy and I’m definitely not trying to tell people how to live their lives. I’m just trying to keep fixing mine.

Finally, the terms “Queen” and “rock star” are for describing my amazing girlfriend and “princess” is her seven year old daughter. These two women have taught me so much in such a short period of time. If you want to read an incredible story, read her blog. She is truly my source of strength and my inspiration and if you read her story you’ll understand why. www.rosieblankenship.com .

Enjoy the journey! I’ve found that it goes down a lot smoother with a beer or two….. Of course that would be light beer, specifically MGD light 64, and with a designated driver!!!!