My first 18 holes of the year in the bag!!!

Today was the most beautiful day, even though very windy, to get in some golf. My buddy and I hit up a course that would be way too expensive after March and had a blast.

I averaged a double bogey per hole, but that was without swinging a club since August, no time at the driving range, water on every hole, heavy winds, lots of beer, and, oh yeah, I'm terrible!

Had a great time :)

"Golf and sex are the two things you don't have to be good at to enjoy...."

(that was from the movie Tin Cup, but I'm sure that one has been around for ages)

Thanks, but I'm holding out for Dr. Phil..... Just kidding :)

A few months ago, my girlfriend and I were getting in the car and she told me, "baby, when you're famous, I don't want anything special. Just to get to sit in Oprah's green room when you go on the show."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"If you keep losing all this weight, " she responded, "you're gonna be on Oprah for sure.... Plus you're just a damn rock star!"

I thought she was out of her mind, but it turns she wasn't to far off, again. When my girlfriend and I were at the young survivors conference in Dallas, a couple representatives from a center in North Carolina, where I started my new life, called and asked me if I could go on Oprah!

I've mentioned this place when I first started blogging and I should explain a little more. It was a residential weight loss center in Durham, North Carolina. There was no surgery. No trick diets. No gimmicks. It was really like a Weight Watchers (registered trademark) Hotel with every different kind of doctor, physical and psychological, nutritionists, trainers, and "relaxation specialists (massage, reflexology, & ect.)." It was a great place for me to get the advice and help I needed to get started overcoming my "one million mistakes." The best part about it was the math was so simple. "You weigh this much, you're this tall, you're this old, you need this many calories to maintain your weight. Eat less and you'll loose weight. Add exercise and you'll lose more weight. It's going to be hard, but you can do it!" Their whole concentration is on the behavior of overindulging. Their approach was if you figure out why you aren't taking care of yourself, you can build yourself up emotionally and weight loss would be a byproduct. I thought it was a good theory then and 175 pounds later and think it was truly the best thing that ever happened to me.

So, Oprah's show started contacting these sorts of places for people that have lost a bunch of weight and they wanted me to go on the show! Oprah was looking for people that had lost some substantial weight already and still had some weight loss to go. I, for example, have another 100 pounds to lose. They would highlight me and the facility I started at and then track my progress. I was so moved by the honor of even being offered, but I had to politely decline.

You see, I've never been focused on losing weight. I've always been focused on improving myself emotionally, by actually taking care of myself and putting myself before all others (in my own mind), and the weight would come off. I don't freak out when I put on a pound or two because I know I didn't overeat by 7,000 calories and my weight just isn't that important to me. My physical and emotional health is, but my weight is just one factor and as all the other factors in my life come into harmony (lets all hug trees) then my weight will come to a healthier level, as it has already made a very large shift in the healthy direction. I realized that with the national spotlight, there would be an incredible pressure for me to lose weight and that pressure was going to cause me to start looking at my weight differently. I still have a lot of things to do before I'm 30 and having the nation follow me around will just slow me down and cause me to lose my focus. That reminds me, I need to post my top 10 things to do before I'm 30 (even though there are 12 now). So, I sent back the following reply:

"I just saw your message and (name removed) just called me. I'm sorry, but I have to say no. I believe that this last 100 pounds is going to be my hardest to lose and I really just don't need that sort of complication in my life. Plus, that sort of publicity and attention would be just the excuse I'm always looking for to take a break from this endeavor. I can't afford to mess this up because I think it really is my last shot to get my life under control. Thank you for the offer, but I respectfully have to decline.

Sincerely,
Andy Ashby"


You readers might have thought you were in the "IN" crowd by following some writer before he became famous, but I'm happy to say you're stuck with little (ironically still) 'ole me. Once I'm at a point where I've found center in my life, or even when my antidepressant/sleep medication isn't changing every three months, then I can start putting myself out there for whomever to examine. For now, I think I'm just going to stick to my computer and let my writing tell my stories.

We'll meet someday, Oprah.... I promise!

To Be in the Presence of Heroes and Angels….

"And though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I will fear no evil…." — Psalms 23:4

A month or two ago, US Airways flight 1549 hit a flock of birds and lost the use of both engines. In an incredible maneuver, Captain C.B. "Sully" Sullenburger managed to "land" the plane in the only open area available to him; the Hudson River. By the time the last of the passengers had been fished out of the river, the captain's face was plastered over every television screen in America and the word hero started to circulate. A friend of mine decided to become a fan of "Sully's" on Facebook and within hours people started making verbal love to the captain on my friend's Facebook page. They started saying things like, "He is truly a hero….. Children should look to him as a role model and not those overpaid athletes."

The thing that bothered me from this whole incident, which I took the liberty of posting below the long list of praises, is the fact that, no matter how you spin it, he was really just doing his job. Seeing that the passengers survive the flight is his, as well as every other pilot's, primary objective and he is trained extensively and well paid to do so. Granted, as far as celebrities go, US Airways' most famous pilot would put Latrell Sprewell to shame and is probably more respected than every athlete short of Peyton Manning, but I refuse to call somebody a hero for doing his job. But that's part of the problem. The world around me has hardened me over time and that optimism I had when I was younger has been smudged and tarnished. Through all of the mistakes that I've made in my life and the pain that I put myself through, alone, I have lost my faith in the goodness of myself and the goodness of man.

My girlfriend is 37 years old and is already a breast cancer survivor of nearly three years. She was diagnosed with high risk stage 2 breast cancer on March 17, 2006, and her body has been free of cancer (i.e. the cancerous breast removed) for nearly two and a half years. She's been through chemotherapy, a lumpectomy, a mastectomy, a prophylactic mastectomy, and several reconstructive surgeries in the past three years. To make her life even more complicated, while fighting cancer, she's had to endure her ex-husband's infidelity as well as a long, drawn out divorce while somehow finding a way to keep that contagious, loving, positive disposition and a heart that is as pure as the driven snow. That spirit, after everything she's been through, is what has drawn me to a woman that is ten years older than me and will keep me at least at a glimpse's distance for years and years to come. We started dating after her treatment, but before her cosmetic reconstructions were finished, so I've experience just a small hint of the anxiety and pain associated with this horrible disease.

Shortly after diagnosis, my "queen" got involved with an organization called YSC, or Young Survival Coalition. This organization is involved with advocacy, education, medical research and personal support, either through local meetings or an online survivors' network. Since her discovery of the site, she has been an active participant on their message boards and has made some lasting friends as well as offering counsel and information for those who were recently diagnosed and had more questions than their oncologist had time to answer.

Towards the end of February, the YSC has an annual convention and this year it was in Dallas. Even though my "queen" is three years past her diagnosis, she is still a very active member, and integral part, of this multi-faceted organization. This year, my "queen" was nice enough to invite me along. The experience was absolutely incredible and nothing like I expected. I figured there would be a lot of bald/balding, sickly looking women and I assumed that it was going to be like a four-day funeral. Even though breast cancer in post-menopausal women has excellent survival rates, the odds for women under 40 are so poor that I figured the mood would be sedated and somber. Much to my surprise, it was anything but.

The thing that jumped out at me was just how beautiful these women were. Many of these women had some combination of thinning hair, no hair, visible surgical scars, ports, no breasts, one breast, and breasts in the process of reconstruction. Even with all of these "blemishes," they collectively, and individually, had this glow and radiance about them that was too overwhelming to take in all at once. So much so that you could hardly notice the light of the sun reflecting in concert with the house lights against the shiny, white marble floors! Throughout the weekend, different people would ask me, or my girlfriend, if I was freaking out, and I was; but not in the way that they thought. This band of fighters and survivors absolutely knocked me off my feet, not from the ugliness of this terrible affliction, but from their collective strength, courage, and incredibly positive perspective! Whenever these lovely ladies would gather, I could always hear their individual conversations transform into this enthusiastic roar. At one point, I could have sworn I could hear former University of Houston basketball coach, and victim of cancer, Jim Valvano in his very famous, very moving 1993 ESPY award speech; "Don't give up, don't ever give up."

There was already such a whirlwind of emotions and I had yet to understand what "stage four" meant. "Stage four," a.k.a. "mets," is metastatic breast cancer. While the cancer is localized to one specific area, such as the breast, the infected tissue can be removed (a lumpectomy) or the entire breast can be removed (a mastectomy) with the hope of preventing the spread of the cancer to the rest of the body. When a cancer is classified as metastasized, it has become systemic and is free to spread throughout the body. "Stage four" is the terminal classification of the disease and there is no "stage five." How long a person has to live varies from individual to individual. After I would meet different young, vibrant, cheerful women, my girlfriend would tell me about their condition and I was shocked at how many of these young women had breast cancer that had metastasized. They just didn't behave like somebody that was marked for an early death!

Even though it was such a positive atmosphere, you can't help but find the somber aspects of such an occasion; it is the nature of the disease. Breast cancer in women under 40 is so often fatal and aggressive that it requires the most toxic of chemicals to rid the body of this mutation. So with all of the triumph, strength, and perseverance, it is a statistical certainty that a significant number of these young, bright women won't overcome this incredible obstacle and this particular year had been especially hard on this sorority of fighters. There was Danica Martinez, who friends loved because she was incredibly funny and straightforward, but also left behind three children that she loved very, very much. You couldn't mention Danica without mentioning Jayme. Jayme Gonzalez, a mother of one, was also loved for her sense of humor and her ability to love and care for the people around her. She and Danica both were the best of friends for their "spunk" and enthusiasm. So much so that Danica was there to help with Jayme and her family in the days leading up to Jayme's death. There was Cathy, Shabby, Jessica, Lola, Courtney, Brin, Melissa, and Janet. Each one of these women had their own unique story of their diagnosis, treatment, and how they interacted within the group. They were all special and will be missed by everyone that knew and loved them.

Even though their bodies stopped functioning they are still very much with us. They are with us in pictures, stories, and memories. They are with us in trips, vacations, and past conferences. Their thoughts and words live on as well as their actions. They live on in every clinical trial, successful or unsuccessful, that they participated in. They live on in every blood test, every specimen, and every chemical or virus they allowed, if not requested, into their bodies in an attempt to exterminate this predator of women. I would like to think of them as angels that offer us hope, strength, and encouragement in ways we can't possibly explain.

So here I am, expecting this four day funeral and I find myself in this vast and seemingly endless sea of real life heroes and angels, two things I didn't believe existed anymore. The women that were currently in treatment are some of the strongest, yet upbeat, individuals that I had ever met, but it was the conference alumnae that impressed me the most. These are women that either defeated this disease or who continue to fight this disease on a long-term basis, whose families and friends just can't understand why anybody would want to be reminded of the fires of hell that either impaired or consumed their lives, yet they not just willingly, but enthusiastically rush back into the "burning building" so that they can offer support, encouragement, and most importantly understanding to those women that are in the very early stages of this arduous progression. It is that sort of behavior that re-asserts my belief that heroes really do exist! In just four days, in the presence of these heroes and angels, the optimism that I had spent a decade quite successfully tried to destroy had suddenly and miraculously been restored!

These past few days have absolutely enhanced my perspective on life. I just don't know that I can have such a glib outlook on life, even if in my case it's caused at a body chemistry level, when there are these young women who celebrate the beauty of life every moment of every day, even when something deep within their own bodies is fighting to prematurely end their lives. These young heroes demonstrated to me, through their actions, that every day that I'm alive is truly a gift and I should pursue every possibility available to me, because nobody knows what tomorrow has in store for us. These women, who have every reason to be spiteful, jealous, angry, and hateful act as a very powerful, and moving example of the human spirit that lives inside each and every one of us. They were truly an inspiration and I'm a much better person for taking the time to learn about the joy of life from their perspective. I don't know that I'll ever be put in a position where I have to walk a while in their shoes, but I do know that I would gladly carry their bags, chauffeur them around town, buy them dinner, or be their cameraman whenever necessary to show my appreciation for how their perseverance and humility has touched my life!

"Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever…." — Jim Valvano, 1993



Side note: If you are reading this on Facebook, be sure to check out the rest of my blog at theAndiestAshby.com.

Who’s down on “hot and heavy?”

Note: I posted ths after a week of about 3 and a half hours of sleep per night and even Ambien wasn't putting my anxiety. I thought about editing it now that I'm sleeping more soundly, but I just don't want to!

Lately, I haven't been feeling very desirable…..

I've been over 450 pounds since I was 21 years old, so I used to live vicariously through my friends relationships. I've always been the "mother goose," or the listener of the group, because I though I couldn't afford to lose any more friends, after my fraternity phase of couch pissings, so I've always been pretty good at keeping secrets. The one theme that I've heard time and time again is people start talking about how the relationship is in such a great place. They might even be thinking about moving in together or they have already. So I push for details like, "wow, you guys must be all over each other. Do ya just walk around naked and just go at it all day?" To my shock, time after time, no is always the answer. Then they go on to explain to me that when a relationship gets to a certain point, you just get too tired at the end of the day to have sex so instead of once or twice in a night, it might be once or twice a week. I would get so angry inside when friends would tell me that. I hadn't been touched in god knows how long and these perfectly fit and healthy young men with girlfriends just don't feel like it! I just didn't understand. I used to think that I was a better man because I knew I'd never be like that with any girlfriend of mine.

A relationship is hard work; especially when there is a child involved. I see that now. After a day's worth of class, working out, getting dinner on, evening family obligations, and an errand or two, I'm absolutely exhausted. Be that as it may, this feeling of desire just starts burning inside of me and it's a flame I don't know how, or would I want, to put out. It's like this volcanic optimism and satisfaction inside me that just exclaims, "even though this day was so rough, there isn't anybody I'd rather spend this day with and work so hard for." In my body, that satisfaction overwhelms me and it becomes too much to handle and passion becomes the outlet for release. I optimistically thought that this is what it meant to be in love, but I get the feeling that my perspective is a little different from the rest of the lovers out there.

I've been at least a little different my whole life so why would this topic be any different? This feels like some sort of spiral or cycle. When I feel undesirable, I become less desirable. Actually becoming less desirable will make me feel even less desirable, and so on down that winding road to where BIG mistakes are made. With my lifelong burden of sometimes crippling depression, I get very nervous when I even get the hint of a spiral coming on. The problem is that I'm so inexperienced in serious relationships, because I used to weigh as much as one couple, that I don't know the nuances of even having the opportunity to be intimate every night. I also think one aspect of intimacy is not only sharing the moment, but making memories that keep your partner attracted to you after the night rolls off into the sunrise. I, on the other hand, am loyal and dependable to an extent that some would say to a fault. So is there no need to keep me interested? Is there less need for intimacy when you know your partner will be back?

All I want is this spiral to be broken. This life changing work is so damn hard and I'm very, very fatigued. I don't know why, but I'm afraid I don't have the strength to push through this one and I have to do it alone. My girlfriend is so "gun shy" from her marriage and doesn't want a situation where her whole entire life depends of someone else's permission. I keep telling her that the only person that she should rely on is herself. Since she has a child, the only person she should trust is herself. Even if we were to get married, she needs a life in place so that if something changes, or the relationship goes South, that she and her daughter can safely walk out at any moment. So, with these parameters on our relationship, I can't use intimacy or our relationship as a crutch, but I just feel like it's the only thing I've got. I'm just so tired….

It seems that there is this level of comfort when you're in a serious relationship that supersedes sex, which makes sense. The expectation of every night is just unreasonable and really, who is in that kind of shape? It's just hard for somebody with such low self-esteem to go from "hot and heavy" to a more "normal" rotation without thinking that this is somehow my fault. So even with this in mind, how do I go about feeling more desirable and how do I sell this to the little, loud, annoying guy in the back of my head that's keeping me up at 12:45 at night? In the end, there is only one person responsible for this problem and how I'm currently feeling and that's me. I'm trying to correct the one million mistakes that I, and I alone made. I'm just so tired and I need more than sleep. At this point sleep would be a good start. I think a shower and an Ambien should do the trick!

Update.......

I think I'm being foolish and looking for something to be hurt about. Overdramatic; that's me! I love my family very much and I know I'm an integral part.

Love,
Andy

Oh, to be part of the family…..

Family is very, very important in my life and a major aspect in my dreams. I've mentioned how it was the idea of having a family of my own got me through some very rough times in my childhood. Now, with my life greatly improved, I'm a part of the family that I'd always dreamed; or so I think. Before my "queen" and I started dating, I had very little experience with children. I've babysat more than a few times, but I always got to go home when the job was finished and the idea of a 24-hour babysitting job, or to be a parent/ step-parent, is a lot of responsibility, uncertainty, and something that I take very seriously. I consider being a member of this family to be THE greatest honor of my life and I work very hard for my family. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do. In every spare moment, I'm cleaning house, watching my "princess," driving my lovely ladies where they need to go, helping with homework, refilling the humidifier,or the daily breakfast and snack preparations. My "queen's" ex-husband already has a family of his own including a girlfriend who has a son. My "princess" has a group of wonderful people who love her very much, but for some reason, I feel like I'm the odd one out.

It's becoming clear that my little, beautiful "princess" might not see me as a part of her family. In a past few months, and twice in the last two days, she's talked about her family and would list them by name. There was, of course, mommy, daddy, and then daddy's girlfriend, her son, but not me. I understand her being weary of somebody replacing her father, but I've told her a number of times that nobody would ever replace her dad and that I went through this exact thing when I was a kid and were always going to be good friends, first and foremost. If the fear of replacing parents is the reason that I'm out, then why is daddy's girlfriend in the mix?

It was already a challenge in learning the nuances of being a parent/ step-parent and the doubt that I have in my abilities is only exacerbated by the notion that the youngster doesn't see me as such.

My girlfriend has custody so raising her is pretty much our show. Raising a child, especially one so gifted, is an exceptional challenge and will continue to be so probably through graduate school. I'm completely prepared to be "second fiddle" for the rest of this young woman's life and when she succeeds, the credit will rightfully go to her mother and father. I don't need to be player of the game when I think I'm one of the hardest workers out there, but I struggle when I don't feel recognized as even being on the field, especially when I don't think I'm good enough to be on it to begin with. Seven year olds are free to think however they want, love who they want, and decide which people she considers family. I don't want this to sound like I'm mad or even hurt. I'm a bit shocked and confused when I think about it and the thoughts like, "see, you aren't doing enough for your family!" starts creeping into my head.

One final note: I kind of quit smoking a long time ago by reducing to 3 to 6 smokes a day. On some days, it might be a half a drag for the whole day and other, more stressful days, might be the full six. So, because I'm a family man now, I decided it was time to quit and I went on the gum. It turns out that one of the chemicals in the gum was burning a hole in my gum that is now a canker sore that won't go away. With the gum thrown away, I wanted to go back to smoking, but I won't let myself because I'm a member of a family and good family folks don't participate in risky behavior. I just can't conceive of what else I have to do to be accepted by everyone. And that makes me want a cigarette! Argh…….

Bottom line is that I'll be okay. I just have to keep my head on straight and do the work that needs done. Because they're worth it!!!

Sorry..... I've been busy.

TO MY READERS:

Sorry that I haven't posted in a few days, but I've been really, really busy! Guitar lessons are going well. I can play my CAGED chords and the first three lines of "Silent Night." Oh, I can also rock out on "Mary had a little lamb!"

I started a body cleansing vitamin regiment 6 days ago which was tons of pills and frequent trips to the bathroom. I feel so much better and I lost 5 and a half pounds. I thought this was going to be the catalyst that broke this awful plateau, but to no avail. I gained it all back by this morning.

I'm still tightening up and getting in better shape, but my weight has stayed the same since last August. I'm not getting frustrated though because I'm eating for the right reason and living a healthy lifestyle, so weight loss will eventually be a byproduct. I'm not hitting my exercise like I'd like, but this week WILL be different. I need to push myself just a little harder to get everything in and I intend to do it. My super-intense workout is getting easier and gaining speed and endurance on the track as well as in the pool!

I promise I'll have a good blog tomorrow, but I wanted to check-in and reflect for a second.

LIFE IS GOOD!